


Loving Two

by EJwrites



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-04-03 02:55:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 35,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4083949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EJwrites/pseuds/EJwrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cosima is in a rough spot.  Delphine is in a tight spot.  Shay is unaware of the things that make her in a spot with difficulties.  How do they make it out?</p>
<p>Basically a prose version of the last half of season 3 and then where I personally would take the show if I were to inherit it.<br/>Triggers: if you can handle the show, you should be able to handle this.  If there is something more so than in the show I will tell you before the chapter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

As soon as Cosima got back to Shay’s she stripped her clothes off and ran the bath.  She felt dirty from lying, posing, and being exposed to Alison’s mother.  She wanted, _needed_ to wash the day off.

Shay had trailed behind her asking if she needed anything or if she’d wanted company.  She’d only given one word answers and Shay picked up on her mood, going over to the other side of the small flat to do… to be perfectly frank, Cosima didn’t really know what she was doing.  She was too busy brooding.  She was in disbelief over the way her day had gone.

It had started off so strongly and with so much potential; sex, cuddling, and general good times with Shay.  But then Delphine had shown up and absolutely destroyed the mood asking for urine and putting her in such an awkward position, talking quietly about her secret illness with her ex while her current girlfriend was in the other room.  The secrecy was only furthered by her whispered phone call to Scott.

He wasn’t much help.  He told her exactly what Delphine had.  Then he didn’t really give her the most confidence that she would be covered for while she formed and executed her plan.

That was an awkward exit.  I’m off!  To where?  I can’t tell you, it’s super secret science stuff.  Shay had given her the impression that this discussion wasn’t over and that she was going to need more explanation than that.

Alison made her drive all the way out to the suburbs to get her urine sample, which was a hassle but not too bad.  It would have been fine if she hadn’t needed to go to a high school and avoid being seen by Alison’s constituents.  Then, apparently Alison couldn’t be bothered with showing up and had needed a double.  Thinking about being roped into whatever the fuck that was made all of the muscles in her neck re-tense.  God.  The pink beanie had really not been comfortable, it made her dreads poke her in the neck.  That guy with the beard was just the icing on the cake at that point, with her comfort zone and just how far out of it she was.  Then after all of that Alison refused her pee, which in contemplation sounded absolutely bizarre but totally in line with what life with clones was like.

And then the mother.  She seemed like a piece of work, but at that point Cosima couldn’t care less.  All she could think about was going back, taking a long and hot bath, and the snuggling up and sleeping for as long as her body would let her.

Would she be able to sleep?  Her symptoms had slowly been resurfacing, really making an opportune appearance during her speech.  Thank the universe for clone sickness, just this one time.  She inventoried her health over the last few days and it did seem like she was deteriorating again.  She needed a cure, or at least a lead, very soon or she would probably end up passing out again.  This time it would probably be while she was with Shay.

Shit, Shay deserved to know.  She can’t just walk into her own apartment to find her girlfriend passed out on the floor covered in blood for apparently no reason.  That’s just not fair.

“Hey,” she was gently interrupted by Shay walking over with a wine bottle and a half filled glass, “So I have a feeling,” she paused while she poured some more wine and kneeled next to the tub, “That you are gonna tell me something.”  She looked up and stared into her eyes, “What is it?”

Cosima kicked herself internally and looked away guiltily.  Of course Shay knew that something involving her was bothering Cosima, so she weighed her options.  She could lie or blur the truth and everything would be okay, at least until her symptoms got worse.  She could also tell her the important details that would most likely come into play soon.  She decided to go with the option that hurt Shay the least, mostly because she was intimately familiar with how it felt to be kept in the dark.

“I have a pretty serious health issue,” she said with a sigh.  This was going to be a long evening.

Shay nodded and looked at her hands.  She brought up a handful of lukewarm bath water up to Cosima’s neck and let it fall back into the tub, trailing along the path it made on her skin with her hand.

“Okay tell me,” Shay already looked and sounded worried.  Cosima was used to it by now, but seeing it on a different face stung a little.

“It’s an autoimmune disorder that affects my epithelial tissue. It ebbs and flows, lungs and uterus at the moment,” she didn’t even want to go into the symptoms, “It’s very rare though,” she added with a grin, trying to lighten the mood.

Shay cupped the back of her head and it felt so good.  She was there, right next to her, listening and offering a caring ear, not pestering her about DYAD and samples and clones and Kira and-

“Oh my god,” Shay muttered with an edge of fear.

Cosima looked around in a mild frenzy, trying to figure out what was wrong.  “Holy shit,” she gasped as she caught sight of all the blood in the bathtub, swirling in the water.  Before she could work up a full blown panic, a fluffy towel was pressed to the back of her neck.

Her breathing sped up and she squirmed, trying to escape the suddenly sinister water.  Her hands gripped the edges of the tub and slipped off in her haste.  She felt a familiar scratching at the back of her throat.  Coughs began ripping through her chest, making her bend over.

“Hey, hey.  It’s okay,” Shay soothed her hand over her shoulders slowly and gently pushed Cosima back to lean against the back of the tub, “It’s just a little blood.  You can take your time getting out.”  Cosima’s coughs ended as suddenly as they had started, her breath still ragged.  Shay leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Cosima’s shoulder.  “It’s okay,” she repeated.

Cosima tried pushing out of the tub again, this time her hands were strong when they wrapped around the edges and she was able to stand up.  

“Here,” Shay reached out to grab a full-sized towel and helped her unfold it.  

Cosima grabbed it with shaky hands and wrapped it around herself, feeling very exposed.  She slowly stepped over the edge of the tub and shuffled over to her clothes on the end of the couch.  Shay noticed her hunched shoulders and sheepish eyes and muttered something about going to grab something.

Cosima dried herself and changed as fast as she could to her baggy sweatpants and over sized hoodie.  She turned to talk to Shay again and she was making her way back over to the tub holding a pad.

“I figured what’s happening is close enough and this way you won’t ruin any more clothes than you have to,” she smiled softly.

“Thanks,” Cosima muttered, taking it in still shaky hands.  

“I’m going to go get my keys,” Shay said and spun around in a whirl of hair and went to the front of her apartment.

Cosima didn’t bother to stop her, she just put the pad in place and sat down on the couch.  

“Alright,” Shay whisked back into the room with two coats, two purses, and a jingling set of keys, “We should be ready to go.”

Knowing the answer, Cosima asked, “Go where?”

Shay pursed her lips and tilted her head to give a side eye, “To the ER?”

Cosima shook her head and settled further into the couch.  “It’s probably nothing.”

Shay sighed through her nose and shifted so she was standing in front of Cosima, “Honey, you’re sick and you just had some kind of bleeding episode.  Probably still are.  You need a doctor.”

“Yeah, I’m sick.  It’s a rapidly changing disease that usually has blood related symptoms,” she closed her eyes and rested her arm on the armrest, “Until recently, I was coughing up blood.  It only makes sense that if one of my symptoms went away a much worse one would crop up.”

Shay crouched in front of her and put her hands on either knee, “You should still get checked out.”

Cosima snapped, “I’m not going to the ER to sit around for three hours only to meet with a doctor who’s going to refer me to another doctor who doesn’t know the first thing about this illness.  You know what they’re going to tell me?” she didn’t wait for a response before plowing on, “They’re going to tell me to go to my primary physician.  I am not spending hours in a waiting room to get poked and prodded and then sent home to call Delphine.”  Her lip started trembling and she bit down on it, hard.  Her anger, frustration, and repression had her breathing rapidly.  She sighed and slumped over and put her head in her hand.

After a long pause Shay asked, “Delphine’s your doctor?”

“Yeah.”

“But you guys work together,” her forehead was wrinkled in confusion.  If Cosima wasn’t so damn scared she’d kiss it smooth again.

“Yeah.”

“So, you study yourself in your lab?”

She heaved a huge sigh before answering, “Yup.  It’s really good fun being the subject of medical experiments.”

“Is that why she was here?  Asking you for a sample?”

“Why else would my ex come to your door and ask me for urine?” Cosima pulled an offended face and said, “You weren’t supposed to hear that.”

“Why are you getting upset with me?” Shay asked, bewildered, “This is new information to me.  It’s not my fault you failed to mention any of this before now.”

Cosima looked down at her hands in shame.  “I know.  I’m sorry.  I’m just...” she shook her head.  “I didn’t think I’d ever have to explain this to someone and looking at it is just pissing me off.”  She rubbed at her forehead.

Shay stood to sit down on the other end of the couch.  “It’s okay.  You’ve probably explained this to a hundred different people,” she paused, looking at the coffee table but not really seeing it.  She was fighting the urge to reach out and comfort.  It seemed like Cosima wanted space.  “Are you going to call Delphine?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“She had a hunch,” Cosima grumbled, “She saw some worrying numbers, came to get samples for a test which I told her I would give her later, and I stood her up at our meeting.  I have new symptoms, ones that could’ve been predicted maybe even prevented, today.  I’m not calling her.”

“Would she really be that vindictive?” Shay asked incredulously.

“No, but I would be.  Besides, I’m going to monitor it and if it isn’t better by tomorrow morning, I’ll call her.”

“Good,” Shay nodded slowly.  She looked back at Cosima, brow furrowed in concern, “What else does this illness do to you?”

“Why do you want to know?” Cosima sounded tired and frustrated.  Why would anyone want to know the details of Cosima’s physical hell?

“It seems like a good thing to know about the person who you’re dating and who spends a lot of their time in your apartment.”

“You don’t want to hear about it,” Cosima said dismissively.

“Cosima, this is what I do for a living, help people feel better, okay?  It’s probably nothing I haven’t heard before.”

Cosima grimaced.  She couldn’t hide behind trying to be courteous, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“How come?”

Cosima shrugged and pulled her knees to her chest.

Shay didn’t say anything but let an eyebrow twitch.  

Silence fell on the already quiet apartment.  Shay patiently waited for Cosima to open up and hated the small distance between them on the couch.  She loved how cuddly Cosima was and missed having her curled up under her arms.

Cosima put her forehead on her knees.  “I’m just so afraid and talking about it makes it so I can’t ignore it.”

“Well ignoring it is probably a bad choice for handling it,” Shay reprimanded gently, “But I totally understand.”

After a long pause in which Cosima sighed several times and began sniffling Shay asked, “Why are you afraid?”

She laughed at the simple question.  There were so many thing that made her stomach drop and her knee bob up and down when she thought about them.  There were almost too many things to list, most of which Shay couldn’t know about.  

She started simple, with facts, “I’m getting worse.  The previous treatment we tried was only a temporary solution, to slow it down.  And it worked,” Cosima smiled and lifted her head up, “Everything went away for long enough that I thought...” she trailed off, her smile fading.  She didn’t know what she had thought.  That she wasn’t still dying?  She knew from the beginning that Kira’s tooth was just a shield and not a cure, but she had still gotten too comfortable with breathing evenly and being able to sleep through the night.  She sighed, “This disease… it’s scary.  And you… we…  Whatever we have, we just started and…Shit,” she put her hand on the back of her neck and clenched her jaw, unable to continue.  She was trying so hard to keep it together, to keep this as un-scary for Shay as she could, but she could feel her eyes welling up with tears.

“I’m not breaking up with you because you’re sick, if that’s what you’re thinking,” Shay stated simply.  “You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

“No, I know, I just…  You’re young.”

“So are you,” Shay giggled dubiously.

“I don’t feel like it.  And you deserve someone who can stay up late every night fucking and running around town getting drunk and into awesome shenanigans in bars,” Shay deserved so many good things, “I’m not that someone.  I’m just… so tired.”

A soft smile spread across Shay’s cheeks, “So we’ll watch a shit ton of Netflix.  Have nights in and mellow shenanigans in coffee shops.  Just until you’re feeling strong again.  Then we can paint the town red.”

Cosima smiled at that.  Then her eyes welled up and her lip trembled.  All of that sounded amazing, she just wasn't sure she was going to make it until then.  She swallowed thickly and muttered, “I should go,” as she stiffly made to get up.

“Go?  Where?  Why?”  Shay gently reached across the couch and held Cosima’s arm to keep her sitting down.

Cosima didn’t need much reason to slump back into the cushions.  “I’m probably gonna cry, that usually turns into a coughing fit, which turns into more crying, and yeah… you don’t wanna see that,” she grumbled with a shrug.

“Oh, no.  I can’t let you leave with all of this unresolved.  C’mere,” Shay reclined on the couch and spread her arms wide.

Cosima hesitated and stared at Shay open-armed and open-minded almost forcing Cosima to be comforted.  Did she really want this?  Did she want to make her safe haven involved with all of the sickness drama?

Sensing the inner struggle taking place in front of her, Shay put her arms down in a small sign of defeat.  “Hey, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me about this, but you need to talk to someone.  Call your parents or Sarah?  Tell a barista or something, but you seriously need to process this stuff.”

Shay had given her a choice.  That’s all Cosima really needed to make her decision.

Cosima scooched over until their thighs were touching, hip to knee.  Shay slowly put her arm around tense shoulders and massaged up and down her bicep.

“Is this okay?” Shay whispered.

Cosima looked over into her beautiful, open, cute, little face and nodded quickly.  She swallowed the massive lump in her throat.

Shay smirked but her eyes were worried.  She pressed a small kiss to Cosima’s cheek, so soft it felt like an accident.

Cosima rested her head on Shay’s shoulder.  “Do we have to talk about it now?” she asked weakly.

Shay pressed another kiss to crown of her head, “No.  We can talk whenever you’re ready.”

“Okay,” Cosima choked out, the tears had started flowing and she couldn’t stop them.  Nobody had offered her a shoulder, literally or figuratively, without telling her she had to do something.  Delphine always said that DYAD had the answer or talked about how they had to work for the cure.  Sarah had done the same thing and told her that she couldn’t do this without her.  No pressure there.  Felix had forced her to date when she was nowhere even near being ready for it.  Alison wouldn’t even let her have some fucking pee without telling her what to do.  

So she cried.  She let it out.  She knew she was safe here.  Shay wasn’t going to judge her for being sad.  Shay wasn’t going to tell her to work faster even though she’s getting more and more tired and it’s getting scarier and scarier.  

She let her shoulders shake with sobs that held months of fear and anger and sadness and betrayal and a lot of emotions she didn’t have a name for.  

Shay let her.  She just rubbed circles on her back and whispered sweet encouragements when Cosima let out a particularly loud sob.

Of course sobs like this turned into coughs, like Cosima had predicted, which led to renewed sobbing when it was over.  Eventually she quieted until she was only sniffling.  The cuffs of her hoodie were ruined, as was her eyeliner.  Her neck had a terrible crick in it there were at least five cracks as she straightened it out.

Sometime in the crying Shay had put taken Cosima’s glasses and put them on her own head, resting just behind where her bangs started.  

“From what I can see, you look absolutely adorable,” Cosima said in between sniffles.

Shay giggled, “Thanks.”  She brought both of her hands to Cosima’s face to wipe a few stray tears away.

“Thank you,” Cosima whispered before she knew what she was saying.

Shay made her adorable confused face again and asked, “For what?”

Cosima just shrugged, “For everything.  You’re too nice to me.  It means a lot.”

Shay smiled.  “You’re very welcome.”

Cosima turned abruptly and coughed once into the crook of her arm.

“You know what, I’m going to go get you some tissues and a glass of water.  We can’t let you get dehydrated, too,” Shay said with a little too much enthusiasm.  

Cosima nodded and pulled her hands into her lap.

Shay got up and bustled to the bathroom. When she got there she leaned heavily on the sink taking long, deep breaths and letting them out.  She willed her legs to stop feeling shaky and wobbly.

_She’s sick, holy fuck, she’s sick.  Rare epi-something cells.  Autoimmune.  Blood and coughs and uterus.  Oh God._

She shook herself  grabbed a makeup wipe and a box of tissues.  There was no time for freaking out when she had a sniffling girl out on her couch.  She went back out, all smiles, and handed off the tissues while she went to the kitchen.  She grabbed the tallest glass she owned and filled it to the brim.

When she handed it to Cosima she said, “Drink all of this and you can go to bed.”

The small smile that creeped up Cosima’s cheeks made it seem like maybe everything would be okay.

 ****  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun tip: don't post stuff when you're half asleep, you will make spelling/formatting/grammar errors. I went through and fixed some stuff. If this seems familiar, it is. It was originally called Well, That Happened but I didn't think that that fit the whole piece. The new title is from the Applebee's commercials. And if you saw this with two chapters and still called Well, That Happened, congrats, you were really fast and saw how unable to work this website I am.


	2. Chapter 2

As usual, Delphine’s alarm went off at 5:30.  She snoozed it once and was in her kitchen eating breakfast by 5:45.  Today was oatmeal.  She was in the shower by 5:55.

By 6:35 she was in her closet, picking an outfit.  It wasn’t really that hard anymore.  All of her blacks matched all of her whites.  The only color, if you could call it that, that peeked out was grey.

She blindly grabbed a pair of black slacks and a black blouse as she looked at her maroon jeans that were folded neatly on the other side of the closet.  She wished she could dress like she used to, fluffy sweaters and patterned blouses, but she had to be taken seriously and a shirt with horses running across it is probably not the best business attire.  She missed her boots.

Shaking her head at herself, she tucked her shirt in and went to the bathroom to finish her look.  Right now, she looked like a walking corpse with a mop for a head.  Huge bags were under her eyes and they needed to be covered up.  She put concealer on generously and eye shadow but not much else.  She didn’t have the energy or motivation.

As she straightened her hair she watched her face slip into a neutral mask, like it did every morning.  

It didn’t surprise her, not really.  It had been a habit of hers since she was little.  It’s development was inevitable when she was living at school nine months out of the year starting at the age of ten.  

She vividly remembers the first night she stayed at her first boarding school.  She had been so deeply afraid.  Delphine had wanted to curl under her bed and cry she was so overwhelmed.  She was homesick.  She was sad.  She was mad.   She wanted to scream and throw things.  She wanted to run.  She wanted to run as long as her legs would work and then she wanted to hit something.

Her father didn’t understand that being sent away was the furthest thing from what she wanted.  He didn’t understand that it was not the answer to whatever crisis he was having, that her leaving home wouldn’t mean that she didn’t exist anymore.

But if she got kicked out of school it wouldn’t solve anything.  She would only be at home for a while before he found another school and sent her there.

So, Delphine straightened the blazer of her little uniform and swallowed all of the feelings she could.  She put on a neutral face and played getting to know you games.  She smiled and wowed her teachers.  “So mature for your age!” they had gushed.  Only she had known how she really felt.

That’s how it was now.  Only this time there was a name associated with this charming young woman who was willing to do whatever was needed: Dr. Cormier.  

She came out when Delphine couldn’t handle what was happening.  Dr. Cormier came out when Delphine was too soft.

And, God, was Delphine soft.  She was tender and bruised from all the hits she had taken.  She just wanted to scurry away.  She wanted to cower and lick her wounds.  She wanted to run to Cosima, scoop her up, and take her far away from this mess.  Delphine was irrational.

Dr. Cormier knew that Cosima didn’t want that, it wasn’t what she needed.  Dr. Cormier knew that Cosima needed her lab, needed to research.  Dr. Cormier knew that Cosima was mad, was beyond angry at Delphine.  She knew that Cosima would never leave her sisters.  So, Dr. Cormier grew a spine and waited.  

She protected the clones in every way she could, going into business meetings full of people with greyer morals than she had.  She allowed herself to be ogled so she could swoop in when people were weak to get what she wanted.  She yelled when she deemed it necessary, which was new and surprisingly hard on her vocal chords.  

Dr.Cormier was a force to be reckoned with.  She kept herself in check, swallowing every emotion until she got home.  The only time she slipped was when she was with Cosima.  

The soft, “I miss you,” had surprised her.  She had meant to ask a few questions to get something to tell the people at Topside, any snippet that she was allowed and would get them off her back.  But working with Cosima in the lab again was easy and Delphine slipped out.  She watched in horror as Cosima’s bottom lip trembled and then she left without a word.  

Delphine shook herself from the memory and left her apartment at 7:08.  She was a little late but she really didn’t care.

She arrived at her 8:00 appointment ten minutes early and walked up to the reception desk, checked in, and was told to wait right there.

She was only mildly surprised when a woman with Cosima’s face walked up and introduced herself as Krystal.  She followed her back and went through the motions of getting a manicure and making small talk, waiting for something relevant to come up.  It wasn’t hard, this girl says so much.  It was almost too fast for her to translate, but she managed.  She had gotten better since spending time with Cosima and her incredibly fast intellect.  

Delphine said something about being newly single and not enjoying it.  She hadn’t really been paying attention to what she’d been saying, only to Krystal’s reaction.  It finally paid off.

“Me too!  My boyfriend.. Well ex now, I guess, well he just died,” Krystal says with what sounded like a little too much enthusiasm for the topic, but Delphine sensed a sadness.

“Oh no!  What happened?” she asked and tried not to sound like this is what she’d been waiting for the whole time.  

Krystal squelched out some overly sweet smelling lotion onto her hands and started putting it on Delphine’s hands.  “It’s a long story.”

Delphine shrugged with a smile, “I have time.”

Normally, Delphine would have instantly regretted saying anything because Krystal broke into a long-winded description of her night out with Hector.  That time she didn’t.  She was getting vital information and she wasn’t sitting at her desk.  Also, Krystal is a nice girl and the way she talks, rapid fire and without a filter, reminded her of Cosima.  She found herself smiling genuinely for the first time in weeks.  

Krystal wound down her speech with ,”So this guy, he had like this wicked scar, which I was into for some reason.  It was kind of dark, mysterious, and my relationship with Hector was open.  So I thought, like, whatever, this guy’s hot .  Nobody dies,” she paused and looked up, “I was like, so wrong.”

“That’s terrible,” Delphine sympathized.  She was familiar with being afraid for someone close.

Krystal sounded a little choked up when she continued, “Yeah, I know.  Anyway, so we get to the room and suddenly I realize there’s another guy in the room who looks identical to him.  Like identical.  An identical twin.”

Delphine laughs uncomfortably, almost like Scott would in a similar situation.  She pitied the girl, she was in for a shock when her sisters found her.

“I know, right?  Twins are sooo creepy.”

Delphine nodded along but held in loud barks of laughter.  She almost wanted to be there to see her introduction to her first clone.

“They are, right?  So anyway, if hotel security hadn’t shown up I would’ve been in the back of a van.  Like, legitimately.  But they didn’t have to kill Hector, you know,” Krystal shakes her head, “Anyway, so you’re a doctor?”

Delphine is surprised by the abrupt change in subject.  She didn’t remember saying anything about her profession.  Then she remembered she had her assistant make the appointment and she probably made it for a Dr. Cormier.

Shaking herself she tried to think of an answer.  She decided to tell Krystal who she wants to be, “Yes, I own a family practice.”

“Oh, wow!  I really relate to that, you know, just the healing arts.  I feel like what I do is quite healing.  I don’t know if you feel that right now, but I feel like that’s just my gift.”

“Yeah, mhmm,” Delphine agreed because who is she to burst this girl’s bubble?

“And I just feel like in spite of everything, as hard as it is losing Hector, you can't crush the human spirit,” Krystal summed up.  Delphine thought that may be she should take a page out of her book and try to look on the bright side.  Two seconds later she realized that there really wasn't a bright side to her situation.

Krystal collected herself after her motivational speech and asked, “You said you were recently single?  What happened there?  You’re a gorgeous, smart woman with her own business.  What guy would pass up on that?”

Delphine hesitated, not entirely sure if she should correct her.  Krystal would be the first person she would come out to if she told the truth.

“Sorry, sorry, that’s not really my business.  Sometimes I ask too personal questions,” Krystal laughed uncomfortably, “I’ve gotten in trouble for it before.”

“No, it’s not too personal," Delphine corrected.  She couldn't stand to make another person upset with her own personal demons.  "It’s just... I broke up with her.”

Without missing a beat Krystal asked, "How come?"

Delphine smiled sadly, the lies easily fitting in with the truth, "I made a promise early in our relationship... I said that I would be there for her, always.  With opening the office and my new responsibilities, I'm spending more time at work than I am at home. I'm lucky if I can get five hours of sleep.  I can't be there how she wants, too."

Krystal gave a sage nod, "Well, you're a woman of your word and I think that that's a really good quality in a person. Maybe when things cool down you can hook up with her again.  And if not, there's plenty of people out there who would love to date a smart, beautiful, dedicated woman,” Krystal patted her hand while putting her tools away.

"Thank you, Krystal.  That means a lot,” Delphine muttered.  She felt a sudden wave of emotion and swallowed it with difficulty.

Krystal grinned, “See, healing arts.  It’s what I do.”

Delphine laughed, feeling lighter in her chest than she had in a long time.

There was no need to prod for more information, Delphine had already made her judgement.  Krystal was a sweet girl who was just trying to move on with her life after a traumatic event.  She didn’t know anything about clones, Leda or Castor.  She needed to be protected.

So she went about her manicure as usual, choosing a bright red polish after Krystal finished filing and clipping her nails.  She actually started to enjoy herself.  

She was disappointed when it was over.

“Well, it was great to meet you, Dr. Cormier.  I hope you’ll come back next time,” Krystal said after Delphine’s credit card was approved.

“Please, call me Delphine.  And I will,” she said with a genuine smile.

“Alright see you then, Delphine.”

Delphine nodded and left with a wave.  She was running late for her meeting with Dr. Nealon.  

They’d agreed to meet outside the salon, just up the street.  She walked up to the store front they had picked and didn’t see him.  She frowned and stood next to a sign, putting her weight on one foot and cocking her hip out.  She fidgeted, picking at her gloves and coat until one of the gloves came off.  She admired Krystal’s handiwork in the weak sunlight.  It was impressive.  

She was surprised by a tap on her elbow and spun around to see Dr. Nealon with two steaming cups of coffee.  They didn’t greet each other, Delphine took her coffee and Nealon jumped right in.

“Are you satisfied?”

_In general or today?_ she thought to herself.  She gave her actual answer with a smile, “Yes, in fact its the best manicure I’ve ever had.  And she's rationalized her brush with Castor.  Krystal Goderitch is still naive.  Very.”

“Not one to pierce the veil is she?” Nealon asked, his tone dripping with condescension.

Delphine clenched her jaw and responded through her teeth, “No.”   _Loosen up_ she chastised herself, _he will know._  “Where are you with her new monitor?”

“There are three candidates vying, we’ll see which one she chooses,” he stated dismissively.  He sounded as if ruining these people's lives and relationships wasn’t going to weigh on his mind like it would hers.

“Good, you and I have a problem closer to home,” desperately needing to change the subject from monitoring she asked, “How’s Rachel progressing?”

“You know, her mobility is not looking good but her aphasia is improving,” he presents the old information.  After a pause he adds, “And she still has value.”

“Does she?  All i know is that she is a liability.  We can't keep her around indefinitely,” she said.  She doesn’t know if she wants Rachel gone out of spite or if it’s because she could ruin everything if she gets well enough.  Delphine decided to take both of the reasons and let them fuel her crusade.

She dismissed Nealon once the made it up the block to her car.  She watched as he walked back the way they came and started her car.  She made it back to DYAD in less than an hour, which was good considering the morning traffic.

She sat in her office sorting through emails for the rest of the morning.  A couple of things Nealon had said kept playing through her mind: improving and value used in the same stretch of words.  Was DYAD planning on giving Rachel her job back when she improved?  What would happen to Delphine if they did?  How much time did she have before she was given the boot?

When she realized that her anxiety wasn’t letting her get anything productive done, she looked at Rachel’s schedule.  She was currently in a ‘meeting’ with Scott.  They were probably playing that farming game again.  It wouldn’t be the end of the world if she interrupted.

Just as she was about to leave her inbox dinged again.  The Polish clone who had fallen ill earlier in the year had just died.  Her files were included in a rather large attachment.  Delphine printed them out and decided to bring them to Cosima after she checked Rachel out.

Her return email from the printing people said her file would be ready later, so she grabbed her file on Rachel and made her way down.


	3. Chapter 3

Cosima woke up in Shay’s bed alone.  Her legs were tangled in the blankets and she was sweating.  She kicked every layer of fabric she could up into the air and off the bed.She pulled the pillow out from under her head, put the cool side on top of her face, and sighed heavily. 

She was still hot.

She sat up on the edge of the bed and ripped her hoodie off.  Her feet slowly lowered until they rested on the cold wood floor.

She groaned at the rush of coolness that took over her body.  She squinted at the clock.  7:02 it said in bright red and large numbers.

_Where is Shay?_   She wondered as she spotted a folded piece of paper resting on top of the alarm clock.  She grabbed her glasses and the note simultaneously and read.

_Cosima,_

_I ran to the grocery store to pick some stuff up because somebody (you) ate all of my good veggies.  I’m making you something when I get back, which should be around 8._ _♥_

Cosima smiled giddily and refolded the note.  She grabbed her phone to text Sarah.

**I’ve got a free hour if you’re up and want to talk.**

Sarah had been pestering her about skyping and checking up on each other since she’d gotten back.

Her phone buzzed in her hand almost instantly.

**Yeah, there’s no sleeping in when you’re staying with s.  10 mins?**

Cosima smiled at the mental image of Sarah being woken up by Mrs. S in Kira’s bed.

**Sounds perfect.**  She sent back. 

She got up to run to the bathroom.  She redid her makeup (couldn’t have Sarah knowing that she’d spent a better part of the night crying) and washed up a little, her eyes were still a tiny bit puffy, she wouldn’t be able to see that through the webcam.  Probably.

She moved across the apartment to grab her laptop and suddenly realized that she was not wearing a shirt.  Or anything resembling a top.  She personally didn’t mind, but Sarah might find an issue with it.

She put on the topmost bra in her bag and a lightweight sweater, feeling chilled again.  As an afterthought she grabbed some warm socks too and carried them to the couch.

She pulled out her laptop, logged into skype, and waited for Sarah to log in.  She slipped the socks on and wiggled her toes.

She was reminded that her body aches were also coming back when she couldn’t find a comfortable position on the couch, feeling like it was made out of softballs.  She reached into her laptop bag and pulled out the bottle of prescription painkillers Delphine had prescribed in the first round of her symptoms.

The Skype noise that let her know that Sarah was calling her booped once before she clicked answer.

“Hey!” they both said at the same time, with identical happy grins.

“God, it’s good to see you,” Sarah said with near reverence.

Cosima’s grin grew until her cheeks bumped her glasses, “Likewise.”

Sarah shook her head, seeming to clear out some thought.  “How are you?” she asked with genuine, if not a little overbearing, concern.

Cosima’s smile faded and she rolled her eyes, “Not really the best,” she paused, contemplating if she should tell Sarah that she’d had some kind of emergency without any data about it.

“What’s wrong?  You’re not wearin’ any tubes or anything...” Sarah had shifted her weight like she was going to climb through the computer screen.

“No, no.  It’s just,” she sighed, the cat was out of the bag now, “It’s just some new symptoms presented themselves last night.”

Sarah’s eyebrows furrowed, “New symptoms?  Like what?”

Cosima rolled her eyes again, “Like, bleeding profusely from my uterus in the bathtub.”

“Shit, you sure it wasn’t just-”

“Yes, I’m pretty sure that that sudden and amount of bleeding was not my monthly bleeding of the uterus,” Cosima grouched.  “Anyway, it would’ve been, like, two weeks early.”

Sarah blew a laugh through her nose.  “TMI, Cos.”

“What?  It’s not like almost fifty percent of the population does it, including yourself,” she said with a grin.  “I’m fine Sarah.  It was scary and gross,” she popped her pill, “Yes, but not a major episode.”

Sarah heaved a sigh, “I’m just worried about you.”

“I am not the patient here.  Okay?” Cosima was tired of being the patient, “You’re the one who’s been through Hell.”  She shuddered to think of what Sarah’s past few weeks had been like.

“Well, Coady seemed to know that I was going to beat that pathogen,” Sarah shrugged it off, like she always did. 

It didn’t surprise her.  What did was Sarah’s correct use of the word ‘pathogen.’

“Maybe she suspected you were functionally immune,” she took her glasses off and rubbed at her face, “It’s a - it’s a...” she struggled to put it in a way Sarah would understand.  “It’s a prion disease, like mad cow, a twisted protein that misfolds other proteins.  But, you don’t have the protein that it corrupts.”  Simple enough.  She put her glasses back on and her eyes focused back on the screen.

Immediately Sarah suggested, “So use me then.  As treatment for your relapse.”

Cosima smiled.  Bless her heart for being willing to give any kind of sample without being asked.  “That’s not really how it works,” she placated.  “And anyway, it’s not a relapse, okay?  It’s a trend.  It’s totally plottable and expected.”  _By Delphine._ She threw her pill bottle at her laptop bag in frustration and continued, “Delphine has teams that are working on gene therapy.  We’ll know something soon.”  She hoped that was enough to get Sarah off her case.

It seemed to be when Sarah leaned back to the arm of the couch.  She looked confused when she asked, “Where are you?”

“Oh, uh....” She had forgotten that Sarah didn’t know about Shay, “A friend’s.”  She reclined on the couch to seem nonchalant.

“Oh,” Sarah nodded, “Seriously?  Who?”

Cosima tried not to be offended by Sarah’s complete surprise that she had a friend and chose to be offended by the prying nature of her question, “Do I have to answer to you as well?”

“No, of course not,” Sarah conceded and Cosima tried not to feel bad for snapping, “Is it good?”

She felt her face lift into a grin and took a breath before answering, “Yes,” her smile grew when she thought about how sweet Shay had been last night.  “Yeah, it’s what I need right now.” 

It was so good.  But she didn’t want to share every detail with her sister, with anyone.

“Hey, what about you.  Let’s talk about what you need,” Cosima sat up and hoped that her subject change would work.

Sarah replied thoughtfully, “I need a way forward.  I feel like we’ve been on our back foot against everybody and I’m sick of it,” there was real disgust in her voice and Cosima wondered what exactly happened to her.  “I keep thinking...”  She trailed off, seemingly lost in a thought with no intention of returning. 

“What?” Cosima prompted her back.

“I keep thinking about Beth.  Finishing what she started,” she said, her voice thick.

Cosima nodded slowly, “Yeah.  It’s a lot.”  It was so much, sometimes it was too much.  “I think about her, too.”  _I miss her and her terrible sense of humor.  And that stupid gum._

Sarah turned her head, holding tears back, “I just can’t lose another one of us.”

“Hey!” Cosima called gently, when Sarah didn’t move she repeated, “Hey, look at me.”  Sarah turned slowly, “You haven’t lost anyone yet,” she reassured her.

Cosima hadn’t realized how much this was affecting her.  Sarah gave little unsure nods while she wiped a few tears from her eyes.

There was a rustling outside the door and Cosima panicked.  Had it been an hour already?

“I gotta go,” she rushed out, glancing between the door and the computer, “But if you want a way forward, Sarah, just call Scott.  We’ve been holding something back really big,” she smiled and felt terrible for leaving Sarah while she was so emotional, but she signed off anyway.

The lid of her laptop closed just as Shay finally got the door to unlock.

The door swooshed open and Shay slid in, “Hey,” she greeted with a smile.

Cosima replied with her own, “Hey,” and Shay walked over to the couch and knelt next to Cosima’s head.

“How are you feeling today?” Shay asked softly.

Cosima shrugged and rolled over, “Physically?  Not one hundred percent.  Mentally?  Much better.”

Shay smiled.  “That’s good.”  She leaned in and kissed Cosima softly, “I got you something just in case you weren’t, but I guess you don’t need it,” Shay whispered playfully.

“I didn’t say I was okay, I said I was better,” Cosima said just as playfully, “I mean, I could probably benefit from whatever it is you got.”

“You think?” Shay asked as she reached into the bag at her feet.

Cosima giggled, “Maybe.”

Shay pulled out an orange and red flower, probably a tulip but Cosima couldn’t tell.  She was definitely not a botanist.

“Here, I figured you’d like it.  It’s got the spirally thing you were talking about with your tattoo,” Shay handed it over gently.

Cosima grinned and took the flower gingerly in her hand.  “Spirally thing?”

“Yeah, in the petals.”

She reached up and pushed Shay’s bangs aside and ran a thumb over her cheek.  “You’re adorable. And thank you.  I’m a million percent better, now.”

Shay leaned in for another sweet kiss, “Oh, wow I don’t know how I’m going to top that then.  I brought breakfast.”

Shay got up and dropped her bag on the counter.  Cosima admired her body unabashedly while her back was turned.

“Yeah?”

“Um, honeydew.  Chocked full of Potassium,” Shay answered, assuming that Cosima had either missed the note or had forgotten its message already.

“My favorite alkali metal.”

Shay laughed once.  _What a nerd_ she thought.  “But first, I’m going to get that flower in some water.”  She reached across the counter and grabbed a glass.

Cosima laughed as it filled, “So you’re providing both the flower _and_ the vase?  Jeez, I could so get used to being spoiled.”

“Hmm, you definitely should.”  Shay walked back to the couch.  Cosima watched her the whole way, her eyes full of adoration, happiness, and none the pain or fear that had been so present last night.  She knew that it could come back at any second with the right phrases, but temporary happiness is still happiness and progress should be counted where it’s due.   She reached for the flower.

Cosima handed it over just as gingerly as she received it, giggling almost maniacally.  She was so adorable in that moment that Shay couldn’t resist stealing another kiss.  Cosima stopped giggling long enough to kiss her back, reaching a hand around to thread her fingers through Shay’s hair.

Their lips smacked as Shay pulled away and rested her forehead on Cosima’s.  “You know, some people do like to eat breakfast and be into work on time.”

“Would one of those people be you?”

“Yes.”

“Nerd.”

Shay laughed heartily as she stood up, her lower back cracking as she did.  She moved to the kitchen and pulled a knife out and started slicing the ends off the honeydew.

“We also have yoga to do and you agreed to try a guided meditation.  I thought we could do that this morning.”  Shay grabbed the garbage can from under the sink and threw the ends in, making a very satisfying thunk as they hit the bottom.

Cosima groaned and rolled off the couch, her bare feet slapping the floor as she walked over to Shay.  “I don’t think I want to do that today.”

“Why not?”  She asked as warm arms slid around her middle.  She started slicing the skin off the rest of the melon.  “What’s different about today?” 

“It seems like that’s something that makes you _feel_ things and I just don’t want to cry again,” Cosima muttered into her neck.

“That’s not how it works.  It’s more of getting your brain to slow down and be in tune with your body and the now.  And your brain, dear, is never here.”

Cosima rested her forehead on Shay’s shoulder.  Her voice was muffled when she said, “My nose is all raw.  I don’t wanna risk it.”

“What if I promised you that you won’t cry?” She offered as she scooped the seeds out of the middle.

“How’s that going to work?”

“Easy, you tell me when you’re getting uncomfortable and we stop.”

Cosima groaned again and tightened her arms.  “I’m so whipped.”

Shay giggled, “Does that mean yes?”

“Yes.  Yes it does.”

Shay sliced the honeydew into cubes and grinned.  “Good, I think this will be good for you.”

Cosima kissed the base of Shay’s neck, “So I’ll be two million percent better?”

She turned in Cosima’s arms, “I’d say two point five, maybe even three million percent.”  She kissed Cosima’s nose.

“Oh, wow.  That’s a lofty promise,” Cosima giggled, reaching behind Shay’s back to grab a cube of honeydew to pop into her mouth.

“I know what I’m doing,” Shay smirked and grabbed herself a chunk of melon.

“You better,” she smirked and grabbed the cutting board and walked around to sit at the counter seats closely followed by a grinning Shay.

They ate their honeydew quietly, Shay giggling at Cosima’s struggle to not drop the slippery cubes.

After they finished Cosima muttered, “That is probably the hardest I’ve had to work for breakfast.”

“We could have used forks, you know.”

“Now you tell me!  I thought this was some kind of meditative way of eating!” Cosima giggled.

Shay laughed, “No, I just don’t like doing dishes.”

Cosima scoffed and grabbed the cutting board and put it by the sink, scooping up the trash can and putting it away as well. 

It was Shay’s turn to wrap around Cosima and nuzzle into her neck, “You’re cleaning up after me?”

She smiled, “Yeah, it’s only fair.”  Shay kissed her shoulder as Cosima washed her hands.  “So are we going to do this or what?”

“Let’s go,” she pulled on Cosima’s hips and directed her to the front of the couch.  They set up and went about their normal routine, a few easy poses and deep breathing.  Cosima struggled with the ones on one foot and Shay tried not to make fun of her too much.

After they finished their abbreviated yoga session Shay changed it up with an, “Alright lay down.”

“Is this the meditation now?” Cosima sounded wary, like it might bite her if she tried it.

“Yes,” she kissed Cosima’s temple, “It’s so easy.”

“Okay,” Cosima grumbled, still wary as she laid down on her borrowed yoga mat.  Shay settled into a cross-legged position near her head.

Cosima was fidgeting with a wrinkle in her pants and asked, “Just like this?  No arm thing?”

“No, this is called the corpse pose. It’s the easiest pose for meditating.”

“You’re trying to get me to calm down and not think about dying by putting me in the corpse pose?” Cosima asked as her eyebrows rose.

Shay brushed her hand down Cosima’s face, “Close your eyes.”

Cosima grumbled and started to relax.

“I’m going to start giving you some really simple commands.  All you have to do is follow along.  Okay?” Shay asked.

“I guess.”

Shay smiled and shook her head.  “Alright, I want you to picture that you’re in your happy place.  Somewhere calm and relaxing.  A safe place,” she paused to let Cosima think, “I usually use a warm, sunny beach and a hammock.  Some people use their childhood bedroom.  It’s wherever you would feel able to fall asleep in less than two minutes.”  She paused again and watched Cosima’s face.  She was smirking.  “What?”

“Can I picture your bed?  With you in it?” Cosima grinned.

Shay laughed, “I guess.”

Cosima laughed too, “It’s a really nice bed.”

“Sure,” Shay smirked.  “Just picture that you’re there and start taking deep breaths.”  She took some breaths herself and closed her eyes.  “You should feel your stomach expanding up.  Nothing else should be moving.”

She started walking Cosima through relaxing her muscles, from the bottom of her feet up.  When she got to her knees, she coached her though a few breaths. 

“And one more time in…”

Cosima coughed.  Shay’s eyes snapped open.  _Lungs._

She reached out her hand and rested it on Cosima’s sternum, the same way she’d seen Cosima do to herself when she coughed thinking that it would be soothing.  Her body was shuddering with each hack.

When she stopped coughing, Cosima muttered, “Sorry.  Corpse pose.”

Shay ran her hand up and down Cosima’s torso, trying to soothe Cosima back to her previous relaxation.

“Hey, do you know anything about near death experiences?”  The soothing was clearly not working.

Shay’s eyebrows knit together, “Why have you had one?”

Cosima settled her shoulders back onto the ground.  She deliberated before saying, “I had something.”

Shay’s stomach dropped.  _Just how sick is she?_   she wondered.

“Well, I have a theory,” she said aloud, “Before we leave this life we see what we love.  I mean like, pit of the soul can’t live without it love.  And if it’s strong enough sometimes we find our way back.” 

She thought of her NDE and how messed up she’d been afterwards, her heart aching for Cosima whose eyes had slowly opened and were staring at the ceiling like it had the answers to the universe’s questions just behind it.

She didn’t want a repeat of last night, so she swooped down and hovered over Cosima.  “Are you done corpsing out?  Cuz you’re already late for work.”

The smile she received in return made her worry a little less.  The way she played with Shay's hair made it easy to forget that she was hurting at all.

“Give you a ride in the bug?” she offered.

“I should show you the secret lab,” Cosima counteroffered, seemingly having just decided to ask her.

She gave an exaggerated gasp, “Can I meet the genetic mutants?”

There was a strange look on her face when Cosima responded, “Yeah, but you won’t survive it.”

“Oh no!” she giggled, choosing to ignore the look and Cosima’s face in return was so absolutely precious that she had to sneak in a kiss.

When she pulled away Cosima looked confused, “Was that all the meditation was?”

“No,” Shay started to get up but was pulled back down by her shoulders.

“Why didn’t we finish?”

Shay tried to frame her answer gently, “You were too out of it.  Too distracted.  We can try again another time.”

Cosima was more confused now, “You sure?”

Shay just smiled and leaned in close, “Yup,” she whispered before she kissed Cosima again.

“Okay.”

They helped each other up and went about getting work ready.  When they were they locked up, grabbed each other’s hands, and made their way to the bug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this story isn't forgotten. I just put way too much on my plate this summer and in between working a band camp and playing softball and my job and hockey this kind of got put on back burner. I have a lot written, it's just not in order. So bear with me. I'm probably more pumped for updates than you are.


	4. Chapter 4

Once in the bug a thought struck Cosima.  “Don’t you have to go to work?”

Shay smirked, “Yeah, but not ‘til ten.  I’ve got time.”

“Then why in the name of all that is good do you wake up so early?” Cosima sounded both appalled and amazed at the same time.

“Clients don’t always take the earliest appointments,” she smiled at Cosima’s shocked face, “Sometimes I don’t start until the afternoon,” she added just to make her jealous.

Cosima shook her head, dreads swinging around, “I totally picked the wrong career.”

“Yeah.  Science is hard,” Shay giggled remembering the discussion they’d had when Cosima was high about the science that went into what Shay did.  Cosima had been shocked to learn that Shay didn’t consider herself any kind of scientist.  Cosima brought this up again and talked all about how amazing Shay was for the rest of the car ride to the lab.  Shay felt equally bashful and proud.

They attracted some stares, walking around DYAD holding hands and giggling.  Shay only cared a little bit, worried that maybe Cosima would get into some kind of trouble, but that passed as soon as she realized Cosima didn’t care at all. 

They briefly glanced into the new building, “Where the uppity ups get to work,” and they toured the old building, “New employee jail.” 

Shay really didn’t understand anything Cosima was talking about, she was just happy that she felt comfortable enough to show her where she worked.  She was starting to get suspicious, even going so far as to think that maybe she was a spy or something.

When they got to an eerie hallway lit with fluorescent lights and identical black doors Cosima gestured at one towards the end, “This is me.”

“Awesome,” Shay muttered while looking up and down the hallway, half expecting some kind of Frankenstein’s monster to pop out.

“Yeah.  It’s pretty cool.  I was kind of recruited and Delphine pulled some strings so I have my own lab.”

“Really?” Shay asked equally surprised and impressed.  She knew very little about how the science field worked but she did know that women as young as Cosima didn’t get their own labs before they finished grad school.

“Yeah.  I mean, I don’t pick what I work on I still get things assigned to me but I do get free reign over that and I pick who gets access, well I pick who gets access of the people who have a lower access level than me.  Although-“

“Cosima, honey, why are you rambling?” Shay cut her off and grabbed her flailing hands, soothing her thumbs over rigid knuckles.

She shrugged and clasped all four of their hands together, “I don’t know, I just really want you to like it… or something…” she bowed her head pressed her cheek against one of Shay’s hands.

_I want you to not be the mole.  I want you to not take any of this information and tell other people._

Shay smiled sweetly, “Of course I’m going to like it.  I’m just not sure what actually happens in there.”

Cosima giggled, “Science, of course.”

“Oh, of course,” Shay deadpanned, “How did I forget?”

Cosima’s only answer was to key into the lab and open the heavy door with a grand gesture.

 

Several floors up, Delphine was drowning.

She had just came from Rachel’s room, where they’d both acted like an ass as per usual.  Rachel was always like that, but something about it made the worst in Delphine come out.  She’d wanted to dig in her eye socket again.

After she almost tortured Rachel for the second time in a month, she’d gone to printing.  The file in her hand felt heavy.  It was only twenty papers total, but it felt like a stack of bricks.

This file detailed the Polish clone’s decline.  Graphically.  All the rage from earlier melted away into shock.

Her file looked very similar to Jennifer’s, who’d been the control.  None of the gene therapy they’d been working on had done anything to slow the disease.  The work that was supposed to save Cosima’s life was nowhere near being helpful.  All that would happen would be Cosima becoming a pincushion for more experimental liquids. 

She felt numb.  How was she supposed to tell Cosima this?  How was she supposed tell her that the only real long-term plan that they’d been hoping for was doing absolutely nothing?

 

Shay looked around.  It was big, different than she remembered from high school.  The lab tables were spread around with much more expensive looking equipment than she was used to.  It was a strange mix of bright and dim at the same time, the high windows letting in copious amounts of sunlight but none of it reaching the middle of the room.

Shay nodded, “It’s very science-y.  Everything I would expect from a lab.”

“Oh good, because we’ve got it all here,” Cosima was giddy.  She pointed at machines and named them but Shay was too distracted by how adorable Cosima was.  She was clearly impressed with her own equipment.

The only thing that stood out was the, “Chill zone over here,” it was a small seating area with a couch and a computer.  “Protein modeling server over there, as I’m sure you’re aware,” Cosima was flitting about the room pointing at the machines that apparently belonged to the names she was saying.

“Fumigation hood for a little,” Cosima motioned like she was smoking a joint and Shay mimed it back to her with a giggle.  “Oh, and Scott,” Cosima motioned to a nerdy looking guy over to her right who gave an awkward wave.

“Hi,” he muttered.

“Hi, Scott,” she gave a little wave.  She liked him already.

“He loves lesbians,” Cosima muttered in a false attempt to be quiet.

Shay knew she was trying to make him uncomfortable because it was clearly working.  “Oh, he does?” she decided to pile on, hoping that he had a sense of humor.

He puffed up, “Well, I… uhh,” he didn’t have any words to back up his puffed chest, so he deflated, “Can I sequence your genome?”

_What a weird transition_ she thought to herself.  The awkwardness was palpable, it was rolling off of poor Scott.  “Uh, thank you.  But I draw the line at sharing that information with a corporation.”  Her oldest sister had shown her one too many corporate espionage movie and she was wary of even donating blood.  She meandered over to the chill zone to alleviate some of the tension.

Cosima and Scott shared a look, Scott’s eyebrows raised and he muttered, “She’s smart.”

Cosima nodded, “Seriously.”

Scott took the opportunity to ask, “You got my text?”

Cosima looked between Scott and Shay, “Yup, and if Sarah’s ready then I’m ready,” she responded as cryptically as possible.

Bent over, Shay noticed a familiar box, among many which surprising considering that they were in a place of business, “Dude, you rock rune wars?  I used to play this game with my brothers all the time!”

“Really?” Scott sounded surprised, “Cosima shreds at it.  I’ve got a gaming group, bit of a sausage fest, but if you’d like to-”

Shay didn’t mean to cut him off but she was distracted by the books on the shelf above, “Oh, wow, Dr. Moreau.  I love this book.”  She pulled it out and started flipping through the pages.

Cosima sped across the room and almost tackled her to get the book out of her hands.

“Sorry,” she handed the book off to Scott, “Scott’s really anal about his stuff.”

The offense she’d felt creeping up melted away, “Sorry.”

“Sorry,” Cosima apologized again while Scott put the book back in his bag.

 

On shaky legs Delphine continued to the basement lab.  _Clone jail_ she remembered Cosima dubbing it with a sad smirk.  She hadn’t been wrong, exactly.

She scanned her card, thankfully Cosima hadn’t locked her out again.  That would have been embarrassing.

She took two steps into the lab and felt like she’d been doused in ice water.  She immediately saw Cosima, Scott, and…  There was a third person in the lab.  That third person was very likely putting Cosima in danger.

_There isn’t any proof of that yet_ she scolded herself.

 

The trio turned around as they heard the door open.  They watched as Delphine walked into the lab, file in hand.

“Hello again, Shay,” she announced herself as kindly as possible, although every head had turned to her with very thinly veiled contempt.  The mild distaste in her voice probably had something to do with it.

Cosima was quick to explain herself, “I got her a visitor pass, so...”

She trailed off and Delphine still looked pissed.  Shay jumped in and added, “Cosima was just showing me around.”

“That’s fine,” Delphine said.  Everyone could tell that it wasn’t fine.  “But, um.  I need to speak with you.”

Shay didn’t know Delphine, but she could’ve sworn that she seemed different.  She was off, somehow, subdued.  Shay almost felt guilty.  Almost.

Cosima clenched her jaw.  “Kay,” she challenged.

Delphine glanced awkwardly between Cosima and Shay, with a growing frustration.  Shay could tell that there was either going to be a brawl or a yelling match and she wanted no part in that.  “I’ll go babe,” she offered.  She must’ve blinked funny because she thought that she saw Delphine flinch when she touched Cosima’s back to get around her.

Cosima corralled her saying, “No.  No, no, no.  Stay.”  When Shay gave her a look of disbelief, she said, “You don’t have to go.  It’s all good.”

Cosima moved forward to face Delphine who nodded once and pursed her lips, “Alright, then.  This is about the sequencing issue we have with the European trials.”

Cosima spun around sheepishly, “Okay, yeah.  It’s work stuff, sorry.”  She wore a sad smile and her eyes projected a sadness that wasn’t there earlier.

Shay smiled, trying to get her to understand that it was okay, “Work, work, work,” she kidded.

Cosima gave an awkward chuckle. 

She walked past Delphine who was laying out the contents of the file on a work table.  _She even smells amazing_ she thought as she passed.  Having met her as an attractive stranger at her door was really messing with the animosity she was supposed to have.

“I’ll show her out,” Scott offered and she heard hurried footsteps follow her out.

Once the lab door clunked shut, Scott took the lead. 

Unable to hold it in anymore, Shay asked, “God, is she always such a bitch?”

“Who?  Delphine?”

Shay nodded.

Scott shrugged.  “She used to be really cool.  She’s actually really sweet, but shit’s kinda heated up here.  I guess she’s just trying to be professional or something.”

Shay’s eyebrows pulled together.  She shook her head.  This was Cosima’s problem and she didn’t need to worry about it this much.

They talked all the way to the door to the parking garage.  She actually really like him.

“Do you think it’s safe for me to go back?” Scott asked.

Shay laughed, “Yeah, bare-knuckle brawls only take a few minutes.  You should be okay.”

Scott chortled.  “Okay, see you later.”

“Bye, Scott.”

She walked to her car and drove to work, trying not to worry about Cosima too much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! I'm doing NaNoWriMo next month, which is writing 50,000 words in the month of November. Unfortunately, it's not going to be in this work. I'm trying to get all my ideas out now, but of course they don't come in order. I'll try to get the next chapter out before November, but I wouldn't count on it. Thanks for sticking with me and leaving comments and stuff, it means a lot. If you get too antsy for new stuff come yell with me on tumblr, I'm ejawesomesauce.


	5. Chapter 5

The door thudded behind them. 

Delphine turned, her back still rigid, “You know my security concerns, they’re not jealousy.”  She was trying very hard to keep her hurt feelings separate from DYAD business (her hurt feelings weren’t really related to Shay anyway, she wasn’t even sure if there was jealousy floating around in her overworked heart).  “I’m French.  We enjoy lovers,” she was used to seeing people having sex with people in impermanent relationships, had even done it herself.  Just because she wasn’t or wouldn’t now didn’t mean that she was surprised by Cosima.

Cosima _was_ surprised, however, “Wow, okay.”  She looked like she was going to continue, but Delphine didn’t want to get into that right now.  She didn’t want to get into anything.

“Look.  Can we just put our minds together like we used to and leave the crazy science out of it?”  The waft of Cosima’s perfume that came her way when she took off her jacket sent an unwanted wave of exhaustion through her.  She just wanted to lay down for a while.

“Sure,” Cosima said a little too easily.  There was no fight and she even wore a small smirk.  Maybe she could sense how desperate Delphine was getting.  Or she was just remembering how much crazy science there had been.

“Good,” Delphine’s voice caught.  At least she wouldn’t have to be confrontational the whole time she was delivering a blow she didn’t even want to hear.  “Because, this is not good news.”

Cosima watched as Delphine brought her hand to her mouth, starting to bite her nail.  She was about to make a comment about ruining the nice manicure she had when Delphine seemed to have the same thought.  Cosima decided instead to pick up the papers laid out on the table for a closer look.

As she read the charts, her stomach started to drop.  The numbers got worse and worse as time went on.  She recognized the charts from her own files, but she couldn’t exactly remember what each was for. 

“Shit,” she muttered as she turned the pages.  Each new one showed the same kind of decline.  Her knees felt week.

“I have a more extensive file in a digital copy… If you want to look at that,” Delphine cut into the silence.  Tension was radiating off of her but Cosima was more worried about herself in the moment.

“Yeah, sure,” she muttered.

Delphine pushed off of the lab bench and took three long and tapping strides to the computer across from them.  She clicked away at the keyboard, typing in her access codes and picking the right files.

“Here,” she muttered and stepped to the side.

She read further in and just gave up.  “I’m sorry, I know all of this is bad but what does any of this mean?”

Delphine sighed.  Cosima couldn’t tell if it was from annoyance or stress.  “It’s…  It’s a clone’s medical file.  It traces her illness and treatment.”

Remembering one of the charts from earlier, “So she was on gene therapy.  But it’s not working.”

“Yes.  The European team, cutting edge gene therapists, but Duncan only gave us one sequence to work with, so...” Delphine trailed off, too hesitant to finish the sentence.

“So they failed,” she shrugged, “She died.”  It was a fact of her life, there was no use tip toeing around it.

She saw Delphine turn to her as she said a weak and barely there, “Yeah.”

She could feel the frustration boiling up inside of her and felt the urge to throw something.  “No surprise.  We have no idea how any of his sequences interact.”  Why were they even trying when they had next to nothing to go on?  “Unfortunately for,” she picked up the file to at least know the name of the woman she was dissecting through charts.  “Identity redacted?”

Delphine at least had the manners to sound guilty when she said, “Yeah.  She’s Polish.  That’s all I can tell you.”  She felt Delphine turn to face her as she said, “Cosima, within the next month you’re going to need another stem cell treatment from Kira.”

Cosima turned to face her as well.  She spoke gently, the animosity between them taking break, but that didn’t mean that she wasn’t steadfast on her point as she said, “I’m not doing that to her again.  I’m not gonna keep harvesting her.”  She stared at the underside of the next table.

“Okay,” Delphine agreed easily and she felt a hand come down onto hers and start stroking her knuckles.  She stared at their hands together as Delphine thought aloud, “Then let’s think…  How are going to unlock and identify the rest of the synthetic sequences.”

Cosima looked up into Delphine’s pensive face, feeling guilty for keeping the key to everything from her.  She was about to tell her when Delphine’s phone started buzzing from where it was resting on the table.  As soon as her back was turned, Cosima took a deep breath of shock and brought her arms up.  _So Delphine still cares?  She’s not just being a corporate bitch?_

She was both celebrating and planning on how to tell her about the codes when Delphine said into her phone, “Scott, I can’t… Slow down.  What is it?”  Cosima had never felt a fear like when Delphine turned around and fixed her eyes on her, “What book?” she seethed.

_Motherfucking shit._

“We’ll be right there,” she muttered after a very long winded explanation from Scott where Cosima was left to guiltily pick at the hem of her shirt.  Anything to avoid the look Delphine was giving her right now.

Delphine punched the end button with a rigid finger.  “This book that Castor wanted so badly, you’ve had it this whole time?” she hissed through clenched teeth.

“Uh,” Cosima stuttered, deeply afraid of the woman currently staring daggers into her eyes, “No.  Duncan gave it to me right around when you went to Frankfurt.”

Delphine took a calming breath and rubbed at her temples.  “Come with me,” she muttered and brushed past her to the door.

“Where are we going?” Cosima called to her.

“To Scott’s.  I need all the information about this mess so I can clean it up.”  She heaved the door open strode into the hallway.

Cosima snagged her jacket and ran to catch up to Delphine’s long strides.  She caught her at the elevator as she waited for the doors to open.  She was already on the phone ordering people to do things. 


	6. Chapter 6

Delphine finally acknowledged Cosima again when they made it into the garage.

“This way,” she muttered when Cosima tried to go right when they were going left.

They piled into the car in silence.  The only sound was the engine and the heater.  Cosima’s tapping foot added to the tense silence when they pulled out of the garage.

“Do you know how to get there?” Delphine asked quietly.

“Yeah, don’t you remember?”

“Sort of.  It’s dark now though.”

They fell back into silence with only the occasional direction from Cosima. 

On a particularly long stretch of road, the tension was too much for Cosima.  “Please say something.”  They were doing so well earlier, she couldn’t just let that progress go.

She looked over just in time to see Delphine’s jaw clicking.  “Like what?”

“Anything.  Ask me something.  Yell at me.  I don’t really care, I just really need to know what you’re thinking,” she pleaded. 

Delphine continued to drive in silence, her hands tight on the wheel and her leather gloves creaking.

“Okay, never mind.  Communication is stupid anyway,” she muttered into her scarf.

Delphine took a deep and measured breath and finally hissed out, “I don’t know what to say.”

Cosima retreated further into her seat, “Yeah I got that.”

Delphine just kept looking straight ahead. 

At a red light she suddenly turned to Cosima.  “Were you ever going to tell me?” she asked, her eyes still sharp and her mouth turned into a frown.

Cosima nodded, “Yes.  I was going to tell you just now, but Scott beat me to it.”

Delphine scoffed and turned back to the road. 

“Seriously, Delphine.  I’m not taking a cop out here.  Up until today I wasn’t sure you would help.”

Delphine scoffed again. 

_Thus ends that conversation._   Cosima thought to herself.  She didn’t know why she felt so guilty for protecting her sisters.  Delphine was the one who made herself look untrustworthy.  She was the one who broke up with her.  She was the one unmonitored in charge of everything.  She was the one who stopped answering the phone.

Delphine sniffled once as she pulled into a parking spot in front of Scott’s place.

_Oh, right.  That’s why._ For some reason, no matter what happened between them, Cosima was unable to guiltlessly hurt Delphine’s feelings.

They got out of the car in silence and walked up to Scott’s.

Delphine peeled off her gloves and knocked very assertively.  There was shuffling behind the door and Scott cracked it open.

“Hey,” Scott whispered, “You the only two here?”

Delphine sighed in agitation.  “Yes, Scott.  You can clearly see.  Can we come in now?”

He opened the door fully to let them in. 

Cosima immediately went to Scott, looking for injuries, “You okay, bud?”

Scott nodded, “Yeah, just scared.”

“Good,” she reached out and patted his arm.  She knew he didn’t like hugs so she settled with the simple touch.

Delphine had brushed past them and perched on the arm of the armchair, not bothering to take off her shoes or coat.  Apparently she wouldn’t be staying long.

“Please sit down and tell me what happened,” Delphine said.  She was all business today.

Scott and Cosima sat on the couch next to each other like two guilty kids in the principal’s office.

“Well, um...” Scott stuttered and looked to Cosima.  She just shrugged at him.

“Start with what was in this book.  Why is it so important to Castor?” Delphine interjected.  It sounded like she had her suspicions, but she was trying to corner the two.

“Right,” Scott muttered.  “Well, it’s um…” he looked at Cosima again, unsure of what he could say.

Cosima rolled her eyes and sucked in a huge breath.  “It’s Duncan’s key.  It’s some kind of code with circles and shapes, we don’t have anything more than that.  We’ve been trying to decode it since we’ve had it.”

Delphine clenched her jaw and asked through her teeth, “How long have you had this book?”

Cosima leaned forward on her elbows, “Since you were in Frankfurt.  Like I said earlier,” she muttered.

“A code from Duncan, which could be the key to everything,” she trailed off.

Scott turned abruptly to Cosima, “I’m sorry I called her, it was Castor.”

Cosima shook her head, “No, it’s okay.  He had your cat, it’s okay,” who the hell threatens a cat anyway?

“Oh, it’s far from okay.  Now Castor has this code because you didn’t trust what I would do with it?”  Neither of them dared answer that question.  Delphine just kept plowing on, “Did you make a copy of the book?”

Scott looked to Cosima again, still unsure of what he was allowed to reveal.  Cosima answered for him, “No, we thought it would be safer not to.”  With Delphine this pissed Cosima thought that maybe they should wait to ask for more help.

Delphine looked like someone had just slapped her but she collected herself to ask, “Then who else knew about the book?  Because Castor knew exactly what they were looking for.”

Scott looked between Delphine and Cosima, his face crumpled like he was about to cry.  She nodded lightly when he looked back to her, giving him permission to tell the truth. 

“Rachel can read it.”

Delphine sounded on the verge of tears when she asked, “You went to Rachel with this?”

Cosima shook her head.  “Look, it’s not because we like her.  It’s because we noticed some of the same shapes in her art looked like the book and gave her a page to look at.  She translated it.  That’s it.”

Delphine stood up and started across the room, “I have to go back.  I need to talk to Rachel.  Scott I need you to come with me.”  He instantly hopped to his feet and scrambled for his coat.

Cosima stood up too, “Delphine, wait.  I can explain more.”

Delphine opened the door, “I think I understand enough, Cosima,” she ducked out the door.

Cosima scrubbed her hands over her face.

“I told you, girl fights are mean.  We should have told her,” Scott muttered as he followed her out.

“Shut up, Scott.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So shorter chapters are exponentially easier to make. I've got like the next three chapters ready to go. Who is this person who has their life together? It's meeeeee


	7. Chapter 7

Since Cosima’s ride had bailed, she caught a cab back to DYAD.  In there she called Sarah.  She told her to sit tight.  Then she sent a text to Scott telling him that the plan to get Rachel out might be happening tonight.  She told him to get ready.

She went to her lab and immediately called Sarah again.

“Hey, what is this that I’m lookin’ at?” Sarah answered without any pleasantries.

“It’s copy of Duncan’s code.  The one Scott was telling you about.”

“Oh, I thought Castor stole it.”

“Of course we made a copy, we’re not complete idiots.”

“Cosima, are you sure you wanna go through with this?  Delphine may never forgive you.”

Cosima sighed.  “I think it’s a little late for that,” she said thinking about how angry she had been earlier.  It’s been a little late for that for a while.  “I will keep her busy, you get ready to take care of Rachel.”

She heard a whispered chorus of, “Bloody Rachel,” from all three of them.

“Sarah,” she appealed to the person who was most reluctant, “You said you wanted a way forward, right?  Well, if this book identifies the rest of Duncan’s synthetic sequences then we hold the key to my cure, to cloning humans.  Us, not them.”

After a pause she heard Mrs. S, “It’s your call, love.”

Sarah heaved a huge sigh.  “Yeah, alright.  Let’s do it.”

“Okay, I’ll let Scott, know.”

“Okay,” Sarah sighed.

“Be careful, love,” Mrs. S said to her.

“Always.  I’ve gotta go, see you,” she signed off.

There was a chorus of goodbyes and she hung up.  A text was sent to Scott and then she sat in silence.

She thumped her forehead on the desk and thought about what she had to do.  She had to distract Delphine, but she was supposed to be at Scott’s or… well, anywhere but at work.  She hadn’t worked late since before she had had the seizure.  What excuse could she have? 

She could just be here confronting Delphine, for being an asshole today or for being a bitch for the past couple of months.  But Delphine wouldn’t have any of that at work.  She’d just get cold shouldered and sent away.  She can almost hear the, “Cosima, this is not the time or place,” coming from Delphine’s guarded face. 

She looked around the lab.  It didn’t really feel like _her_ lab anymore.  It felt like Delphine’s ghost’s lab.  Everywhere she looked there was a memory, happy at one point but now just downright painful.  Like the table and stool where Delphine would work, almost disturbingly rapt at her microscope or computer.  Cosima had tried to distract her, but Delphine was too smart for her own good.  She was too engrossed in the problem that needed solving that she couldn’t even hear her girlfriend talking about all the lewd things that she wanted to do later.  It had taken wrapping arms around her and muttering something about food to get her to look up. 

Or over in the chill zone.  The time that they’d gotten high was playing on a loop over there.  Delphine had been positively giddy.  She’d never heard her giggle like that.  She’d never heard her joke like that.  They hadn’t even gotten that high.

Cosima smiled sadly.  She was so happy then.  Sure, she’d been petrified with fear a lot of the time, but she’d been surrounded in love.  At work, at home, in the middle of the night when the dark was just a little too foreboding.  She’d had someone.

She looked around again.  All of this equipment was useless to her until they decoded the book.  Well, if she wanted to continue working on a cure blind she could use the equipment but without their resident genius immunologist it would be a little hard. 

Even with her ex now running most of DYAD she wasn’t getting much help.  All the information she got was through official channels.  Except for the newest clone information she just got earlier. 

She was no use to her sisters within DYAD anymore.  She was a liability.  A pawn ready to be accessed and used on a whim.

She was done.

Cosima booted up a computer and opened a word document.  She wrote her resignation letter.  It was short, one paragraph stating that she didn’t want to work at the institution anymore because of personal reasons. 

She hoped that Scott would be okay being the inside man without her.

She hit print.  The printer, that she requested and Delphine made sure to get, came to life and shot out her feeble letter.  She grabbed it on the way out.

She proofread it in the elevator on the way up.  It was fine, so she sent a text to Delphine saying she wanted to talk and that she was on her way to her office.

Two minutes later, she was past the secretary or assistant she’d never bothered to ask, and was standing in Delphine’s office.  She still thought of it as Leekie’s, though.  The little organism growth tubes were gone, but some of the decoration remained the same. 

She got a text from Scott.  “We’re on the move.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter but I thought that with the point of view shift plus the length of the next two chapters kind of cover for it. As always, feedback means a lot to me and is super helpful with the motivation thing.


	8. Chapter 8

Delphine stormed out of Rachel’s room, not really caring that she’d left Scott in with Rachel.  She knew they were going to attempt moving her, now that Castor had moved on the book.  They must have a copy, Cosima is shortsighted sometimes but she’s not _that_ shortsighted.

_They must think I am so stupid._

Her hands shook with rage.   She really should have let Rachel die.  It didn’t matter that she was unable to do anything now, she was still guilty of so many sins that she hadn’t deserved Delphine’s care. 

As soon as she translated the book, there would be hell to pay.  She slapped the elevator button.

Now she had to talk to Cosima.  About what, she didn’t know.  At this hour and with recent events, she knew it wasn’t going to be anything good. 

She kept storming until she spotted her office window.  She saw Cosima pacing in the middle of her office, seeming to rehearse or at least muttering something to herself.  Delphine took a moment to let her heart melt a little.  This was the woman she loved.  This was the woman she was protecting.  The adorable little nerd who was practicing the conversation she was about to have held Delphine’s bruised heart in her hands.

She pushed through the door and passed Cosima on the way to her desk, walls back in place.  She perched herself on the edge and looked up, waiting to be told what this was about.

Cosima presented her with a piece of paper.  She read the first sentence and that’s all she needed.

_It is with much regret that I am informing whomever is concerned that I will be resigning from my position at the DYAD Institute._

She set her jaw and looked up, “You’re resigning?”

Cosima was almost smug when she said, “Effective immediately.”

Delphine sighed.  She set the paper to the side.  “Why?”

Cosima rolled her eyes, “If you would have continued reading my letter, you would have read that it’s personal reasons.”

“That’s not good enough.”

Cosima laughed bitterly, “You don’t get to determine why I quit my job, Delphine!  Especially not when it’s _your fault!”_

Delphine just wanted to curl into a ball right there and sleep for a year, but instead she pushed off the table.  “Do you think that anyone besides me is going to accept that?  Do you think that they’ll just let you run away, off into the sunset and you’ll be fine?  That they’ll leave you alone because they don’t pay you anymore?”  She regrets ever pressuring Cosima into accepting this position, but she won’t let her throw away the best chance she has for finding a cure.  Not now.  Not when it’s so critical.

“That’s quite a savior’s complex you’ve got there, Delphine,” Cosima said as she turned, keeping the distance between them.

“You don’t quit us.  In here you have access, you have control.  Out there, you’re what?  Just another subject.  Or worse…” Delphine shuddered thinking about some of the plans they have for employees who disobey.  She wondered what would happen if one of those employees was also a self-aware clone.

“What could be worse than this?” Cosima cried, as if she didn’t know what could happen to her.  Maybe she wasn’t fully aware.

“You’re self-aware!  Any person, any face, any love, anyone could be a spy,” she flinched a little internally both from the fact that she had been that spy and that there was someone else now on that list.

“Is that a threat?” Cosima challenged.

It wasn’t.  Technically, Delphine was still Cosima’s DYAD monitor.  She was supposed to get someone else weeks ago, but she had put it off.  There was something territorial about her holding onto the position.

“Look,” she sat back down on the desk her legs feeling weak.  “I’m talking about Shay.”

Cosima rolled her eyes in such a dramatic fashion that her neck rolled too, “Oh my God, this doesn’t have anything to do with Shay!”

Delphine hoped for Cosima’s sake that that was true.

“Maybe, but how are you gonna know without me?”  She’d done some research but most of it was useless to her without having spoken to her.

“Delphine, if you’re not gonna be with me, if you’re not gonna switch sides, let me go!” she got louder as she paced closer.

“I’m trying!” Delphine matched her tone.  She didn’t know why, but her filter was down and she couldn’t keep it together.  “I have to see you every day.  I have to write reports on you and… And everything I’m doing up here is for _you,_ so forgive me if I’m having difficulties stopping feeling.”  She put her head down when the room started to blur.  She stared at the floor and willed herself to _just stop crying._

Cosima took a step back and searched her face.  When she determined that Delphine couldn’t be that good of an actor she said, “I- I didn’t realize.”

“Of course you didn’t,” Delphine spat at the floor, “That was the point.”

Cosima spun around, seeming to have become overcome with emotion.  Delphine just continued to glare at the floor.  She didn’t really care if Cosima left or not, she didn’t want to deal with any of this anymore.  She just wanted it all to stop.

“The day you left for Frankfurt I almost died.”

_What?_

“Some kind of near death experience.  And it was so easy, I could have just slipped away.”

_No.  No, no, no._

“Then I had a vision of you,” Cosima smiled sadly, “I came back for you,” she said with a tremble to her lip and her voice thick.

Delphine felt her heart stop beating for a second, the implications clear.  Cosima was heartbroken because of her.  She’d almost died and the next time she’d seen the reason she’d stayed she’d been broken up with.  Cosima was hurting so much and it was all her fault.  Everything was her fault.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Delphine asked.  It might have given her the ability to explain more, it might have given Delphine a reason to check why she was doing it before she made the biggest mistake of her life.

Cosima started to walk forward, “Cuz you don’t believe in stuff like that,” Delphine wanted to correct her.  She’d believe in anything if Cosima said she could prove it.  “Because we have to move on.”

Delphine wiped a fallen tear off of Cosima’s cheek.  What if she didn’t want to move on?  “Come here,” she whispered.  She played with the baby hairs at Cosima’s neck, but she was turning away, “Come here,” she whispered again and brought her other hand to her cheek.  She turned Cosima’s face towards her again, leaned in, and kissed her.  Surprisingly, Cosima kissed her back.  Her fingers dug into the small of Delphine’s back, making the suit material swish.

Delphine rested her forehead on Cosima’s but it lasted only a moment.  Cosima was pulling out of her embrace, bringing Delphine’s arms with her.  It was all Delphine could do to let them fall without pulling her back in and demanding she be held.  She’d even settle for just standing closer.

But that’s not what Cosima wanted, so she let her go.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, suddenly remembering Cosima’s girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the abrupt cutoff there but there's another point of view shift. Also, I am losing patience with the canon stuff so I am planning on mushing a lot of things together or just omitting them. At this point, I just want to get to my original ideas before season 4 starts and ruins everything. If you have any scenes that you are just dying to see, let me know I'll try to include them because I really could use help deciding what to include.


	9. Chapter 9

“You should have trusted me.”

Cosima scoffed.

“I could’ve helped.  I would’ve helped.”  The stubborn pout of Delphine’s bottom lip was just enough of a break in her wall to give Cosima pause.

“Would you have?” she only injected bitterness out of habit at this point, but she was genuinely curious.

Delphine’s face fell.  “Of course I would have.  Why do you think I continue to work here?”

Cosima shrugged, “You never told me that.  You don’t tell me anything.”

“I took this job to protect you.  To protect your sisters.  I keep working here to protect you from the things that DYAD or Topside might decide to do to you.  I don’t care about the company or my place in it anymore.”

Cosima scoffed again.  No matter how many times she heard it, she just couldn’t believe her when she said she was doing this to keep a promise.  An ill-advised and almost impossible to define promise.  A promise she’d made while high and in love.

Delphine sighed and looked at her hands in her lap.  They were uncomfortably fidgeting with each other.  “Just tell me one thing,” she muttered.

Cosima was confused but she said, “Sure.”  _One of us should communicate_ she thought bitterly.

Delphine’s eyes flicked in between Cosima’s eyes and the floor as she asked, “Is anything I’m doing helping?  Am I making anything easier for you?”  _Is this worth it?_ was the underlying question.

Cosima’s heart suddenly ached for the clearly exhausted woman sitting in front of her.  She hadn’t really been paying attention, but now she noticed how pronounced the bags under her eyes were and how she seemed to genuinely need the desk behind her to support her legs.  Her eyes were huge and glassy… and incredibly vulnerable, something that was not only weird for her recent self, but for Delphine in general.  She’d only seen it in Minnesota when she was confronting her about the monitoring, when she’d given the blood sample in Felix’s loft, and when she’d said I love you.  Otherwise Delphine was the strong and levelheaded one.

Immediately, she wanted to say yes, she wanted make her hurt less but she couldn’t let her off the hook.  She couldn’t lie straight to her face.  “It’s more complicated than that, Delphine,” she muttered trying not to pick one answer.  “Why?  Is Marion wondering?  Or Ferdinand perhaps?” she didn’t know where it came from, but she was now on the offensive.

Delphine’s eyes settled on the floor, “I just need to know,” she whispered.

The simplicity of the statement understated the complicated emotions that prompted it.  Cosima was at a loss.  Her emotions were garbled.  Her gut and her head and her heart were all telling her different things, none of which seemed to be helpful.  So she decided to just tell the truth. 

“In a word, yes.  You’ve saved mine and my sisters’ lives.  You’ve made some things within DYAD possible for me.  But I think you’re failing to realize how much pain I was in, am in, because of you,” she felt sobs choking her for the second time in the conversation.  She took in a huge breath and continued clearly, “That was, is, really hard to deal with.”

Delphine nodded once to acknowledge that she’d heard what Cosima had said.  She sniffed once and looked up.  Her face was back in the emotionless mask that she’d adopted lately, but it was a softer version with a little affection in her eyes.  “That’s not why you came up here, sorry.  You are serious about resigning?”

“Y-yeah,” Cosima was baffled by the quick one eighty that had just happened in front of her.

“Okay.  I’m not going to accept it now, just because nobody is here to do any of the paperwork necessary.”

“Sure, makes sense.”

“But you should really reconsider.  Try to think about what I said and forget that it was _me_ who said it.  I can’t help you if you don’t work here,” she stood up and walked around her desk to sit in the chair and turn her laptop on, “I could get in trouble for helping you now, but if you leave I could get in even more.  I can’t give you a lab or security or even money.  You have access to all the research DYAD has done on your disease-”

“Limited access.”

“The relevant information.”

“So her name wasn’t relevant to you?” Cosima spat.

Delphine winced like she’d been slapped.  She took a very deep breath before she continued, “That’s the file they sent me.  I care that she died.  I care that she was a person.  It’s something that frequently gets me threatened.”

“Sorry,” Cosima replied.  She hadn’t thought about how her relationship with Delphine would make her look to the higher ups.  Cosima was shocked at herself for never even considering it up until this point.

Delphine gave a self-deprecating smile.  “It’s okay.  I understand that it’s a sore subject for you.”

Cosima nodded.  She glanced at her watch, “I will think about what you said, but I should really get going-” she felt less guilty when the phone on Delphine’s desk rang, “And it looks like duty calls.”

Delphine smiled for a millisecond while she grabbed the phone, “Allô, this is Doctor Cormier.”  She listened for a brief moment and held up a hand to hold Cosima in the room.  She stopped buttoning her jacket in confusion.

Delphine’s brows pulled together.  “What do you mean?”  The other person on the other end of the line talked for a few more seconds.  “Is she on her way back now?  Good, call Dr. Nealon right away and get him here and prepped for surgery.  Thank you.”  She all but slammed the phone back into its cradle.

Timid and afraid, Cosima asked, “What was that and why do I still need to be here?”

Delphine pinched the bridge of her nose and took three long breaths.  “Rachel just had a seizure at Mrs. Sadler’s house.”

Cosima blanched.  Sure, she didn’t like the woman, but this was not part of the plan.  “Okay?”

“You wouldn’t happen to know how she got out of the building.”

Cosima could tell that it was a weighted question and that Delphine already knew the answer, but she had to try to save Scott. 

“No,” she said with a shake of her head.

Delphine clenched her jaw while making an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.  “Fine,” she said after another sigh.  “Stay here.  Do not let anyone in except for me or someone who is with me.  Do you understand?”

Cosima’s chest inflated with a need to disobey the system that had tortured her for so long, “Why?  So you can monitor me and Rachel at the same time?”

Delphine didn’t even flinch when she said, “No.  I knew about your plan but I need the code just as much as you do so I let it happen and didn’t tell anyone.  Rachel having a seizure while she was escaping is the worst thing that could’ve happened because now everyone involved in the project knows that I let her out.  Someone has to answer for this and I will _not_ let it be you.  Please,” she closed her eyes, “Just stay here.”

“Okay,” Cosima conceded.  _If it’s not me answering for it does that mean it’s going to be you?_ she wondered as Delphine nodded once and brushed past her to the door.


	10. Chapter 10

Cosima plopped onto the expensive looking couch and sulked.  She was so sure that this would work.  Poor Scott, he was really proud of his plan.

Not only did they lose their Rosetta stone, Delphine was mad at them; like, truly furious.  Cosima rested her head on the back of the couch and closed her eyes. 

She must have dozed off because what felt like ten minutes passed and then Scott was being ushered in by a grump-faced Delphine. 

“Stay here.  Don’t let anyone in except for me,” she ordered.  She spun on her heel and flew out of the room again. 

_God she’s hot when she’s pissed._   She knew that that wasn’t where her head was supposed to be right now, but it was there anyway.

“Hey,” she greeted quietly.

“Hey,” he responded, looking around the office curiously.

“Got caught, huh?” she asked. 

“Yeah.  Didn’t get out in time?”

“Nope.”

Scott came and sat on the couch with her.  They stared out into the office in silence.  Delphine swooshed in and out, looking more and more pissed.  The phone was ringing near constantly with phone calls updating her on Rachel’s condition that lasted less than a minute and calls where she was clearly getting chewed out for several minutes. 

When the sky was starting to lighten she said without looking up from her computer, “I have to meet with someone.  I don’t know when I’ll be back.  If a woman named Vanessa comes in here, she is okay.  She is my assistant.  She’ll probably be asking you if you need anything.”

Without another word she stood up from her desk and left.

Finally truly alone and without listening ears, Scott muttered, “Should’ve made two copies.”

_Oh, Scott._  Cosima sighed.  He was always trying to help.  “Yeah, amateur hour.  Delphine was onto us the whole time.”

In the hallway they heard Dr. Nealon talking, “The stress was too much for her.  She suffered an acute intracranial bleed.  I induced a coma to reduce the swelling but, she may never recover.  My apologies.”

Delphine sounded absolutely defeated when she said, “Get back to your patient.”

Nealon turned and left.  Delphine glanced in Scott and Cosima’s direction for a split second and shook her head as she stormed to her desk.

Cosima got up as Delphine sat down.  She wanted to try and explain why she did what she did, though she didn’t really need justification.  “We couldn’t give you the book because if Topside had gotten a hold of it-”

She was cut off by an incredulous, “Topside?”  Delphine took a steadying breath.  Her tone was icy when she said, “Scott lost the book because someone close to you tipped Castor off.  It would have been safer with me.”

_Yeah, hindsight’s 20/20 let’s move on._ “Where’s the copy?” Cosima asked trying to make it around the whole blame game.

“Secure.”  Delphine paused like she was about to cuss her out but instead she said, “And completely useless.  You just cost us the one person who could translate it.  Your resignation is accepted,” _What?,_ “And so is yours.”

“But I didn’t-” Scott started to protest.

Delphine ignored him and pulled a file from and threw it on the desk, “You might need this when you’re out in the cold.  Security will see you out.”

They left without another word.

Delphine watched with her jaw clenched and fingernails digging into her palms.

She got up to go talk to Vanessa.  She was to hold all calls, to not bother her with anything for the next hour.  If anyone came looking for her, she wasn’t there.  They should come back.

She closed her door with an assertive thud, locked it, and went to the small attached bathroom.  She settled on the floor right next to the door, unseen from the windows in the hallway.  Only when she was as comfortable as she could get on the floor did she allow her hands to start shaking.

It started in her fingers and slowly travelled up her arms to her neck, a cold tingle very close to being numb but she wasn’t that lucky.  She felt the lightheadedness that had settled in when she’d pieced together all that Cosima had been hiding start to intensify.  Her vision blurred with burning hot tears and her throat closed around a sob.

They’d trusted Rachel over her.  They’d went to the woman who had ruined everything that they had going, who could still ruin everything, over her: the woman sacrificing everything for their safety. 

The sob escaped.

She truly had nothing.  She’d thought she still had Cosima, a singular ally if not friend, in this whole mess.  She’d thought that if there was something big enough that Cosima would want her to help, that she would be let back in, if only for that one obstacle.

Apparently she’d been wrong.

_Je suis tellement stupide._

She pulled her knees to her chest and cried freely into them.  It was all too much.  She was being pulled in every direction, no friends or loved ones to help her.  She hadn’t started out with many to begin with but the people she previously had were either dead or hated her.

She’d failed.  Everything she’d set out to do she failed at.  Plainly put.  She’d wanted to protect Cosima.  There were new threats now just coming out of the woodwork, threatening her every day.  One of those threats only came into play because she’d broken up with her. 

She’d thought she could handle it, but Delphine just wanted to be done.  She wanted to give up.  She was just so tired.

_I miss sleeping._

For forty five minutes Delphine cried into her knees.  She usually wasn’t one wallow, she would just accept the facts and move on to the next obstacle.  This was the fallout, apparently. 

As she was sitting on the ground sniffling pathetically and slowly rocking herself she decided something.  She was going to stop feeling.

It was easier said than done, but up until previously she had tried to do everything with feelings and that wasn’t turning out so well.  So, no more feelings.  Simple.

She nodded once to herself and pressed her lips together.  She could do this.

She got up shakily and walked to the sink.  She washed her face with cold water (to reduce the swelling around her eyes and to wake herself up) and pulled out her emergency makeup from under the counter (it wasn’t really emergency anymore, she used it most days).  She reapplied her makeup and went out into her office, unlocked the door, pulled out a file, sat on the couch to read it, and promptly fell asleep.

The next thing she knew, the file was slipping from her fingers and she was jolting awake.

“Sorry, Dr. Cormier.  I figured you wouldn’t want it to fall,” Vanessa said sheepishly holding the file.

Delphine shook her head and sat up, “No, thank you.”  She held her hand out, expecting the file to be placed in it.

“Actually, Dr. Cormier, I think you should head home.  This is the second consecutive all-nighter you’ve pulled.  Get some rest.”

Delphine shook her head.  She didn’t want to go to a cold, personality-less apartment that wasn’t even hers.  “No, I just need some coffee and then I’ll be fine.  And how many times do I have to tell you, you can call me Delphine?”

Vanessa smiled, “Apparently many more.  And no.  I will not enable you.  DYAD appreciates hard workers, not workaholics.”

Delphine sighed.  “I’m not getting anything done with you today, am I?”

“Nope,” Vanessa said with a smug look as she closed the file.

Delphine nodded.  “Lock that up and forward all calls that are directly for me to my cell.  If something happens I want you to call me.”

“Of course, Dr.-” Delphine gave her a withering look.  “Delphine.  I will take care of everything. It’ll be like you’re still here.”

“Thank you.”  Delphine stood and packed up her belongings and left. 

The car ride was quiet, as usual, and she ended up at her apartment thinking maybe some rest wouldn’t be too bad. 

She put her hair up in a bun.  She missed the feeling of not having something constantly touching her neck.  She made herself a sandwich.  She took a short shower and ran a hot bath.  Her back loosened up despite the bathtub being too short and her knees sticking out of the water.  She dried off in the fluffiest towel she owned.  She slid into a pair of sweat pants.  Only when she spotted a hoodie she stole from Cosima did she hesitate.

She always ended up dreaming about Cosima when she wore it to bed.  Either it was the smell or her subconscious refusing to let her have one nice thing that led to the nightmares.  They were terrible and left her missing Cosima like a piece of her chest had fallen out.  Her recent decision to not feel anymore made her stuff the sweatshirt in a shoebox and shove it in the corner.  She pulled on a shirt she’d won- no, earned- in a soccer tournament back home.  Much happier memories.

She plugged her phone in to charge on her nightstand and turned it up to full volume.  She slid in between the covers and curled up.  After a few minutes of internal debate, she grabbed the extra pillow behind her and cuddled up with it, hugging it tight to her chest.  She fell asleep seconds after she settled.

Halfway across town, Cosima had a similar routine.  She opened the door quietly to tiptoe past a meditating Shay to slip into her comfy pants.  They had bleach holes in them and the elastic was completely useless but she refused to part with them.  She slid a t-shirt on and tried to slip into bed without talking to Shay, but no dice.

“I was worried you got kidnapped or something,” Shay said from her forward fold.

Cosima sat on the edge of the bed.  “Nope, just working.”

Shay stood up, “What?  This whole time?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Shay whistled and moved into a tree pose.  “How much overtime is that?”

Cosima scoffed.  “A lot.  But apparently it wasn’t enough.  I’m out.”

“You got fired?”

“I quit,” she muttered and slid her legs under the covers.  She propped herself up against the headboard. 

“Seriously?” Shay stopped stretching and stared at Cosima.

She shifted uncomfortably and picked at the blankets still in her hands.  “Yeah.”

Shay came across the room and sat on the bed.  “Why?”

Cosima shrugged, “I couldn’t do it anymore.  The secrecy and bullshit.”  Her eyes started watering.  “It was all a game of who could be the worst and I don’t want to do that anymore.”

Shay put her hands over Cosima’s.  “You okay?”  Her eyes reaching deep into Cosima’s trying to make sure.

“Yeah,” Cosima said with a few vigorous nods.  “I’ll be fine.”

“Okay,” Shay said with a small smile, “Tomorrow I start really late, so when I get home we can talk for as long as you need.”

Cosima smiled.  “Thanks.”

Shay pulled her into a hug.  She rubbed up and down her spine until her phone buzzed.

“I’ve gotta go,” she whispered into Cosima’s shoulder.

Cosima pulled away and smiled.  “Have a good day at work.”

“I’ve got my fingers crossed for nice backs.”

Cosima giggled and kissed Shay’s cheek.  Shay put on her work clothes and left quietly.

Cosima stared at the door for a long time, zero thoughts in her head.  She sighed and rolled over, trying to get some sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey again! I've finally finished episode eight which is something. Just a reminder that I'm going to mush a lot of things together or omit them entirely so if there's something you're desperate to see, let me know and I'll try to include it. By try I mean definitely will. Thanks!


	11. Chapter 11

Cosima slept fitfully all day.  She only woke up for dinner after which she promptly fell back asleep. 

The next morning she woke up with more energy than she had had for the past two weeks combined. 

She was in the kitchen making tea for herself and Shay while Shay showered.  She’d woken up with her today.  She pulled out her ‘Don’t Panic’ mug and steeped the leaves.  They were a custom blend made by Shay and it was delicious.  She sipped at it and made eye contact with her purse on the end of the couch. 

The file on Shay peeked out.

She continued to sip her tea, now glaring at it.  She didn’t want to read it.  At all.  That was Shay’s personal business, she had no right to read it.  If she did, she was no better than a monitor.  She’d be no better than Delphine.

So why had she crossed the room and sat down with it in her lap?

She looked at the cover and thought of her sisters.  They weren’t safe as long as the mole went unidentified.  The thought of what Castor had done to Sarah was enough motivation to open it up.

The first page was just a basic profile: name, address, social security number, all that stuff.  Cosima knew most of it already.  The next page was her driver’s license.  Other than being a good picture, it’s useless.  After that were surveillance photos of Shay.   Cosima pulled them out of the file and looked closer at them.

There’s a picture of them smiling on their first date.  It was probably taken from outside in a car.  The next one is of Shay on her couch watching TV.  It looked like it was taken from on the roof of the next building.  There’s a picture of them walking and holding hands.  They were grinning like fools.  She remembered when this was, it was a happy memory and a really good photo.  The pictures only prove to frustrate her about her life situation, not find out who the mole is.

Cosima sighed and put them aside.  The next paper was Shay’s finances.  Not really helpful because nothing really jumped out.  She turned the page.

A photo of a woman in military fatigues stared out at her proudly.  Cosima did a double take.

_Oh, shit.  That’s Shay._

She didn’t have time to process before the bathroom door was opening.  She scrambled and shoved the papers back in the file.

“So, I’m thinking Huevos Rancheros at the counter,” Shay said while approaching the couch.

Cosima was still fumbling with the file, “Mmm, uh, well…”  Shay sat down next to her.  “What?  What was that?”

“Huevos,” Shay replied with all the patience in the world.  “You just quit your job, so I am buying extra salsa for you.”

Cosima was still screaming internally about how close Shay had come to seeing her file when she said, “I can’t actually today.  I’ve got all this, uh, paperwork,” she turned to face her, “Exiting clause bullshit.”  She shrugged.

“Is everything okay?” Shay asked.

Cosima knew she was fishing for something.  Some kind emotional speech about why she quit or maybe she knew something had happened with Delphine.  “Mhmm,” she lied.  _Everything’s peachy._

“You feeling okay?” without pausing, Shay reached around Cosima’s face, “Give me your forehead.”

Not needing to be mothered, Cosima shrugged out of her hands and stood up.  “Yeah, no, I’m fine,” her throat decided now would be a good time to need to be cleared.  Not suspicious at all.  “I’ve just gotta go,” she muttered as she got her things together.  She cleared her throat again.  She could just not catch a break this morning.  “I’ll call you later, okay?”

She could see Shay’s little frown out of the corner of her eye and felt terrible, but her anxiety related to the file in her purse pushed her out the door after Shay said, “Okay.”

Since she didn’t have anywhere to actually be, she went to Scott’s.  Of course she sent a few wake up texts to let him know she was coming.

She told him what she found in the file and her personal findings over schnapps.  Saying he didn’t entertain much only confused her further.  Did he drink it for himself or?

The findings, however, were pretty conclusive.  Shay didn’t add up and Cosima didn’t have the means or know how to figure out what was actually going on.

“What are you gonna do?” Scott asked.

Cosima shook her head.  “I’m gonna eat shit,” she said and downed one last shot.  It was something to take away the anxiety of seeing Delphine again. 

It didn’t work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So life happened again. This is going to be a blitz for the next month so that I can get all my fixing done before the show jumps two months and I have to fix that. There's already outlines. Expect frequent and progressively more smushed together updates. Also, love hearing from you. Come jam with me. pls.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings for: suicide mention and threatened torture/murder. Stay safe friends.

Delphine woke up and made it to the office like normal.  She caught up on emails, voicemails, and all kinds of memos.  She made a few calls and cleaned off her desk.  Of what, she wasn’t sure.  It was still immaculate.

Her day was shaping up to be just normal, which would be a nice break after the drama of the last few days.  Her normalcy lasted until about nine in the morning.

She got a page on the phone.

“Allô, this is Doctor Cormier.”  The voice on the other side said that she had a visitor without an appointment or a pass.  She had an inkling but asked anyway, “What is their name?”

Cosima Niehaus.  Of course. 

“Why is she here? ...  Something about a mole?  Like the skin… No… okay.”

Delphine told them to let her up and braced herself.  If Cosima was coming to her at DYAD then it clearly wasn’t going to be pleasant.  She spun and faced out her window. 

If there was one perk to this job, it was the view.  It was soothing to know that there were people out there, living breathing people, who didn’t have to deal with secrets within a corporation and espionage.

She heard a small cough from the door.  Somewhere, not so deep inside her, a rage was awoken.  She could’ve been helping with that.  She could’ve fixed it.  She should’ve been working with Cosima but they had turned into boss and employee and now they weren’t even that.

The debacle the last time they saw each other was only fuel to the fire.  They didn’t trust her, Cosima didn’t trust her.  Why should have even let her up?

It was misplaced, but her venom seeped out at Cosima.  “Now you come to me, because now you believe that your girlfriend,” _ew_ , “is a mole for Castor?”

“I don’t know whether she is or not.  But I…  There are things about her that don’t line up anymore.”

Delphine spun the chair around.  Cosima actually looked sheepish and scared.  Delphine had been expecting some kind of play or manipulation, but Cosima seemed to actually be wanting Delphine’s help.  Which is what she wanted.

“Why should I help?” she couldn’t seem too desperate.  “You resigned.”  _You left me here alone._

“You said I could never quit DYAD.  You were right.  I screwed up, I admit it.  We’re in this bullshit together and we both need CASTOR gone.”  Cosima was not lying.  She’s not this good of an actress.  Delphine’s stomach did a flip of joy.

Something was still off, so she squelched it in order to get the facts.  “What are you not telling me?” she asked.

Cosima hesitated for the briefest moment before she said, “That Sarah’s in London right now trying to kill the CASTOR original.”

Delphine’s stomach dropped, “Oh, my God.”

Cosima kept plowing on, “If CASTOR did translate the book, they’re gonna be right on her heels and we need to know who gave them that book.”

Delphine looked into Cosima’s wide, earnest eyes and saw a little fear.  Determination set her jaw.  “Then leave it with me.”

“Okay.  Just…” Cosima trailed off.

“What?”

“Don’t tell her I sent you?  If she’s not the mole, then I want to be able to try and explain what’s happening without her being afraid I’ll send someone else to interrogate her,” Cosima’s eyebrows pulled together.  Shame dripped off her words.  Delphine could relate.

“I won’t.  Though she might figure it out on her own.”

“I know,” she sighed.  “I’ll leave you to it,” she muttered and left without a goodbye or making further eye contact.

Delphine sighed too.  She didn’t like Shay.  She was the ‘other woman’ and had everything that Delphine wanted (Cosima’s love and attention without the complications of clones and corporations).  But just because she was a little (a lot) jealous didn’t mean she wanted to threaten her life, scare her into talking, thinking she was betraying her girlfriend.  _Ew._

If she was jealous, she justified to herself, it was more of the uncomplicated nature of their relationship and that she got to be with Cosima in a way that Delphine herself had never gotten to.  Shay got the label, Shay got the goodnight kisses, Shay got the late night snuggling, Shay got to hold Cosima without her intentions ever being questioned.  At least until today.  Shay and Cosima’s relationship was about to be ruined by Delphine.

Dread settled in her belly, giving her the feeling she’d just gone a rollercoaster and now had to go back to real life.  She didn’t want to.

 _____________

Shay continued to putter around after Cosima left.  She was worried, but not all that much.  She knew that Cosima would talk to her if she needed to, there was no sense in pushing her.  She would do that if it got to be too worrisome.

She was interrupted from sorting her dirty laundry by a knock at the door.  She threw the remaining garments in her hand into the basket and got up to answer.  She wasn’t expecting anyone, but it wasn’t uncommon for solicitors or neighbors to knock.

She swung the door open and there was Delphine.  When they made eye contact, Delphine smiled in a creepy, dead-eyed way that made her very uncomfortable.

“What are you doing here?” she demanded.

“You were expecting someone else.  That’s cute,” Delphine said condescendingly, “Are you alone?”  Without waiting for an answer she barged past the door.

“That’s none of your business and you can’t just,” two scary men in intimidating suits followed Delphine, “What is this?”

“I don’t think Cosima is coming back,” Delphine looked around and gestured at the couch, “Sit.”

Shay refused and stood in shock at the end of the couch watching the men in suits stand by the only two doors in her apartment.

“Sit down!” Delphine commanded.  “Take off your shoes,” she said quieter than the last command when she complied.

“What?  Why?” Shay was losing her understanding the situation fast.

“Take them off, or they will,” Delphine was not going to be explaining anything, it seemed.  “We’re gonna have a conversation.  And you’re going to tell me everything.”  Delphine closed the blinds forebodingly.

She turned around and took her jacket off.  She draped it over the table like she was a welcomed guest.

“Who do you work for?” Delphine prodded.

Shay shrugged, “A massage therapy center.”

“Really?  Last I heard you were unemployed.”

“You shouldn’t be hearing anything about my career.  And it was a recent hire.  The government or wherever you’re getting your information probably hasn’t been updated,” she was just getting into the swing of things there.  She hoped that this wouldn’t follow her there.

“You are former military?”

“Yes,” _unfortunately._   She had some demons there that she didn’t want to talk about now or pretty much ever especially with Delphine.

“You have been discharged, though.  No active missions.”

“No.”

“Are you sure?  You can tell me even if it’s classified.”

“I don’t work for the military anymore.  They would have to bend over backwards to get me and I don’t think they liked me that much.”

“Hmm.  Was it your work ethic?

“No.  You can probably look at the records, I was a model soldier.  Unlike you and your company,” she tried to jab back.  In reality, she had no idea what Delphine and Cosima did for a living.  Obviously it wasn’t just experimentation.

“So you know about my company?  How is that?”

Damn her big mouth.  “Cosima, obviously.  I saw you while you were working!”

“Really?  How many times?” she wandered over to the kitchen and spun the lazy Susan around.

“Just the once.”

“And you’re sure the military didn’t send you to do that.”

“I don’t know how many times I have to tell you.  I don’t know what you’re talking about.  I’m not a corporate spy, Delphine.  Jesus!  I’ve only been to your stupid lab once.”

Delphine turned and appraised the room carefully.  “You know for someone of your income the lease on this place is quite expensive.”

“It’s none of your concern how I pay for things.”

“If the money comes from CASTOR, it is.”

“From who?”

Delphine scoffed and crossed the room to sit on the edge of the tub.

“Where is Cosima?” Shay had a pang of worry for her.  Delphine has obviously leapt off the deep end, “This is why she was acting so weird this morning.  You’ve gone all Single White Female on her.”

Delphine’s face remained impassive as she turned the faucet on the up on.

“Delphine, why are you doing this?” Shay pleaded.  From Cosima she knew a little about Delphine and she had never mentioned anything about an assertive, creepy, interrogative streak.

Delphine reached for her boot and pulled out a razor.  Obviously, she had never heard about this from Cosima.

“What is that?” Shay asked, her voice dropping to a terrified whisper because she knew full well what it was.  Delphine placed in on the edge of the tub.

“It’s a razor,” Delphine stated simply, like she was aware of the effect the adrenaline was having on Shay’s cognition.

“What’s it for Delphine?” Shay used her name trying to reach through to her, trying to humanize either one of them.

Delphine just sighed, picked it back up, and turned the tub off.  It was now full and ready for a bath.  The purpose of which still eluded Shay.  She didn’t even want to think about it yet.

“You know, when I was at boarding school there was a girl I knew very well,” Delphine paused.  This was the most Shay had ever heard her speak at once.  “And she attempted suicide.  She slit her wrists in the bathtub, but it wasn’t enough.  She should have cut the metatarsal arteries on the top of her feet too.”  All of the pieces clicked.  “If you don’t cooperate, this razor is for you.”

Shay’s eyes welled up and leaked out creating hot paths down her cheeks.  She felt sick and like she could run a marathon simultaneously.  She shook her head, “You jealous bitch, you’re crazy.”  She really shouldn’t be running her mouth, but she had done nothing wrong and ‘I don’t know’ wasn’t enough for Delphine.  She was going to die here, in the safety of her apartment.

“Tell me everything,” she remained stoic and unreadable.

“I don’t know who CASTOR is.  I’m not working for anybody, okay?”  She almost wished that she was just so she could spill and get Delphine out of here.

Delphine’s phone vibrated across the room.  Everybody jumped.  Shay started sobbing quietly.

Delphine got up to answer, “What is it? … Wonderful, I’m kind of busy.”  The person on the other line spoke for a minute and then Delphine turned.  Her face was set in a quiet rage.  She hung up. 

“It appears that you have been telling the truth.  Sorry for the inconvenience.”

“The inconvenience?!” Shay exploded.

There was no answer as Delphine snatched up her belongings and left, the two men closed the door behind her.

Shay sobbed in relief.  She called in sick and curled up on the couch, rocking herself trying to self-soothe.  It didn’t work very well and she ended up calling her mom to listen to the latest Deanna From Up the Street Drama which did help.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: violence, blood, worms. Stay safe.

Ferdinand called her as soon as Delphine got back to her office.  Her recently still hands started shaking again as she spoke with him, plan forming already.  She called Sarah immediately afterwards to scheme further.

The day Ferdinand was set to arrive Sarah showed up to her office a few minutes early and hid in the bathroom.  It was a little childish and in other circumstances they probably would have been giggling, but today there were a few pleasantries and finishing touches under a dark cloud of fear.

Ferdinand showed up.  He was almost cute in how insecure he was not being in control of Delphine or the person in her position.  Delphine laughed to herself as she let him ramble on and on about how he thought this meeting was to go.  When there was enough of a pause she interrupted him, “That’s not how this is going to work.”  She nodded to Sarah who had peeked out at their signal.

“I’m going to give you one chance at a deal,” she said in her gruff accent.  It was still a little boggling how different even the clones’ voices were from each other.

Delphine paced around while Sarah convinced Ferdinand that had been in fact her and not Rachel.  She was proud of Sarah’s ability to have fooled him this fully.  And also a little grossed out.  She had never intended to learn this much about Ferdinand’s sex life with Rachel.  Or Rachel for that matter.

When Ferdinand was convinced they moved on.  He was to accept only samples in return for wiping CASTOR off the table.  That was the deal.  No negotiations.

Ferdinand’s trump card was exactly what they’d expected.  Sarah’s response was “I’m immune,” just as they’d planned.  Bile rose in Delphine’s esophagus as it had earlier.  Even the empty threat that Sarah would let the disease run unchecked in Cosima was enough to push her towards hysterics. 

But it _was_ empty.  Sarah loved Cosima as much as Delphine did.  She took a deep breath.

Ferdinand ultimately agreed, though he wasn’t happy with the arrangement.  He got most of what he wanted anyway and he didn’t have to murder anyone and cover it up. 

Delphine shooed everyone out of her office after.  Sending them off to do their part.  Her job as facilitator was done.

Though his interest in Rachel was news.  She had known that they were involved, but she hadn’t realized that there was feeling there.  That could be used. 

It would be even more useful if Rachel was awake.

She was going to have to save Rachel’s life… again.  She rolled her eyes. 

She grabbed her tablet with all of Rachel’s files on it and went down to consult with Nealon.  He was unhelpful as usual.  She sent him away as soon as he offered to get her moved to a private facility.

In the quiet that he left she thought that she saw Rachel’s eye move.  If she was waking up, this would solve all of her problems without her having to exert any effort. 

She leaned over to get a closer look, “Rachel?” she called.  She might respond to her name and get pulled into consciousness. 

It didn’t work.  Something was off though.  Something just wasn’t right.  Delphine couldn’t figure it out as she was doing a once over.  Until she got to her hands.  The nail polish was something far too feminine and young for Rachel, if Rachel had been able to do her nails since her injury. 

Delphine picked up her hand to further inspect.

She didn’t get much of a look before the hand blurred and connected with her face.  She gasped and flinched away.  Her impractical shoes made her lose her balance and she crashed to the floor.  She was suddenly reminded of her growth spurt when she was fourteen.

She stumbled back to her feet to help the clearly disoriented Rachel who was appealing to a deity that would never help her.  She tried to calm her, but she had never been very good at that.  She called in a nurse to help.

“Where, where am I?”

“Shh, shhh,” Delphine tried to get her to lie still, her mobility seemed to have improved from the-

“You’re the doctor… From the salon!”

Delphine’s stomach dropped, “What?”

“You’re the family doctor.”

_Merde._ “Krystal?”  Delphine let go of her.  She was clearly just fine, nobody needed to worry about her hurting herself.

“What am I doing here?”

“It’s okay,” she tried but she didn’t really feel it.

“What happened to my eye?” Krystal was starting to panic with very good reason.

“Lie down for me… I need you to lie down for me,” Delphine tried to coax her.  Just as she was getting some progress the nurse burst in.  Delphine sent her away with an order not to tell Nealon anything.  She had no idea how deep this ran and Nealon was her first stop after she figured this out.

“Am I blind?” Krystal interrupted.

Delphine started to forcefully push her back down on the bed.  This was getting too far out of hand.  “I need you to relax.  Just breathe, we’re going to look at it.”

She pulled back the bandage to reveal a perfectly healthy, functioning eye.

“You’re fine,” she sighed.

“No, I’m not fine!  Why do weird things keep happening to me?” Krystal exclaimed.  “What’s in my nose?  What is it in my nose?” she sounded close to tears.

“It’s cannula.  It’s supposed to help you breathe but you can take it out if you need to.”  When Krystal struggled to find how it connected to her face Delphine offered, “May I?” 

Krystal nodded and Delphine easily and pulled off her ears.

“Why do these things keep happening to me?” Krystal asked again with a trembling lip.

With her hair hidden and with that expression, it could have been Cosima in that bed.  Delphine immediately softened.  “Look, I can’t tell you.  It’s not my place.”

“Then whose is it?”

Delphine deliberated for a moment.  “I’m going to give you a phone number.  Once I get you out of here, you’re going to call it.  You’re going to say who you are, that Delphine gave you the number, and what happened.  The other person will know what to do.”

Krystal rolled her eyes.  “That’s bullshit.”

Delphine let out an amused sigh.  “I know.  But let’s get you out of here first.”  She started pulling blankets off and helped Krystal stand.  Delphine ducked out and grabbed a pair of scrubs and ducked back in.  She trailed Krystal behind her throughout the building until she had a car, a wad of cash, Cosima’s phone number, and a fake identity.  Delphine sent her to the car with a ‘good luck.’  Krystal didn’t get the chance to even say thank you before Delphine stormed back into the building.

Upon arrival in her office Delphine was handed a file tracing ‘Krystal’s’ travels around the globe.

The files all pointed to Nealon being the culprit behind the abduction and Rachel escaping.  She had him detained.  She went down to the room where he was being kept ready to stick her finger in another eye.

She interrogated Nealon.  The rock made of anger in her belly that formed at the first inkling that he was to blame grew into a boulder by the time he said, “We run far deeper than that.”

She’d heard enough when he said, “We have a place for you.”

“Guards?” she called.  Nobody was out there.  As soon as she realized that she was on her own here she felt hands around her throat.

Nealon hovered over her, blood dripping out of him mouth.  She struggled against him but he was too heavy and she was in too weird of a position.

A worm started to wriggle out of his mouth.  The adrenaline that went into overdrive decided that she was not going to have that thing touch her.  She slid her hand to the holster at her side.  She pulled out the gun and fired it once.

Nealon reeled back and fell to the floor.  She clumsily wiped at the blood on her face as the worm slid back into his mouth.  She moved closer and he said with his last breath, “You won’t live ‘til morning.”

As soon as she was sure he was dead, she called Sarah to inform her.  Going into this deal with Ferdinand was a bad idea without knowing who was Neolution and who wasn’t. 

She harvested the worm and got out of that building as fast as she could, the threat hanging over her head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm screaming. I have two more scenes to write then I'm done with canon and I can be free. I am never writing anything that takes place in canon ever again.


	14. Chapter 14

Shay was once again interrupted by a knock on the door.  This time she was holding one of Cosima’s bracelets and brooding.  The fight with Cosima had been terrible.  They were both frustrated, Shay more so than Cosima.

Cosima had secrets.  Shay had known that going in.  She was okay not knowing everything about her.  It was kind of nice.  She didn’t have to tell Cosima everything that way.

But now it had migrated.  Cosima’s secrets were now threatening Shay’s life.  With a razor blade and a tub.  Shay needed to know what she didn’t know if she was going to make a decision to try and make the relationship between them work.

Cosima didn’t seem to quite grasp that.

So she’d left, teary-eyed and Shay was left alone in her apartment.  It used to be a safe, unassuming place quiet and away from the world.  Now it had been invaded, tarnished with bad memories where there weren’t many distinct memories before. 

Now someone else was knocking.  Shay dreaded who it could be now where she used to be excited to talk to people, even if it was the cranky old guy complaining about getting one of her bills.

She got up to answer anyway.  If it was someone who meant her harm, they would either come back or break in.  Might as well face the music now.

Again, she was met with the sight of Delphine.  Even though she was taking the brave route, she tried to slam the door in her face.

“Go before I call the cops,” she said with an authority she knew she didn’t have.

Delphine stopped the door with a desperate look on her face.  “Shay, please.  I don’t have to come in.  Just hear me out.” 

Something was just different enough from the other day and there were no imposing looking men in suits so she decided to humor her.

“I know what I did was unforgivable.  But I also know that Cosima really cares for you… And I think that you two fit.”  Her speech was halting, like she was struggling to find the right words through her emotion.  Shay was surprised.  From what she heard and had seen Delphine had struck her as a robot with minimal emotion. 

“I don’t give a damn what you think.”  She really didn’t.  This was a completely uncalled for visit at a late hour.  Shay was ready to throw fists. 

“Just know this.  I won’t be in your way anymore,” that grabbed Shay’s attention.  “But it has to begin with the truth.” 

_That ship has sailed, sweetie_ she thought bitterly. 

Delphine reached into her pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper, “I want you to give her this.”  Shay took it and barely glanced at it.  “And tell her that I said to tell her everything… If she wants to… It’s her decision.”  Shay thought that there was more to that but Delphine abruptly raised her head.  Her eyes were shining and a fake smile graced her lips for a split second before she said, “Be good to her.”  Shay was ready to fight again, but Delphine just turned and walked away. 

Shay hesitated a moment, about to call after her but she didn’t know what she would say.  She shook her head at herself and closed the door.  She took a deep breath, her rollercoaster of fear and confusion and anger having now ended.  She looked at the paper.  It was a business card for the DYAD Institute.  No name or phone number on it except for 324B21 written in gold sharpie in the corner.  It had obviously been added by Delphine as a message to Cosima, but she had no idea what it meant.  Which was probably the point. 

She thought again about going after Delphine, then almost immediately squashed the thought.

She was always trying to fix everybody else.  Delphine was distraught, yes, but that was nowhere in her realm of responsibility.  In fact, she was kind of glad the Delphine was upset.  It was her turn. 

She felt guilty for thinking it, but it was true.  Delphine had taken so much from her, had caused so much pain.  It was petty to want revenge, for her to hurt too, but it was only natural. 

At least that’s how she rationalized it to herself as she went to the kitchen to wash dishes.  She didn’t want to brood anymore.  Thinking about Cosima and the problems that were rapidly becoming her problems seemed to summon unwanted visitors related to said problems. 

She just wanted one night where there was no drama.

 

 

The instant Cosima walked out of the store Delphine regretted coming to see her.  Her whole body ached with grief.

“Hey, you came,” Cosima greeted with a small smile.

“Yeah, unfortunately I cannot stay,” Delphine said, her stomach clenched at the similarities between this conversation and the last time Cosima met her with a smile.

“Oh, just for a little bit?” Cosima asked while she fiddled with the belt of her coat.  Delphine saw that she was nervous, and briefly wondered why.

“Sorry,” _for standing you up, for being distant, for breaking your heart, for not telling you what’s about to happen,_ “I need you to keep the sequenced genome safe.  And Kendall Malone far away.”

“Yeah, I think Mrs. S is really good at that stuff, so she’s got a plan.” 

_No, I need you to look after it because I won’t be able to._

“Okay,” she breathed despite her need to tell Cosima the weight of all that was happening.  A small smile grew on her face, relieved that these things wouldn’t be her responsibility anymore.  The last few loose ends were going to be taken care of.  She was about to say her goodbyes when Cosima interrupted her.

“I know why you did everything you did,” Delphine felt her face slip into shock.  She hadn’t thought that Cosima would ever give her any validation. She’d always thought she’d be the one to apologize for everything.  “To Shay, and everything.  I’m sorry I made you make those hard choices and then... blame you for them.” 

Her eyes stung and her jaw worked against the body-wrenching sobs that wanted to take her to the pavement.  It felt so good to have it recognized, all that she had done, even if there was no reason for Cosima to apologize.

She wanted so badly to tell her everything; how none of what has and what will happen was her fault, that she shouldn’t feel bad, it was Delphine’s choice, it was always her choice, that she would make the same choices in a heartbeat.  If it meant that Cosima was alive and happy, there were no bounds on what Delphine would do.  But if she opened her mouth the only thing that would come out was wailing.

All she could do was sniffle and reach out to hold Cosima’s face, one last time.  The annoying seam in between her first two fingers reminded her, with much horror, that she wouldn’t be able to feel her skin.  Her last time touching Cosima would be through cold leather and layers of insulation.

That was not acceptable.

She hadn’t intended on kissing Cosima when she set out for the suburbs.  She had just come from Shay’s and promised to be out of the way.  It was probably the worst thing she could do. 

So she kissed Cosima, slowly and gently, and tried to put every ounce of love she had into it.  She felt her heart shatter when a hand came to rest on the small of her back and pull at her form fitting coat.  With one kiss came the desire for another, and another.

When she felt the urge to tackle Cosima to the ground and have her right there, she knew she had to pull away. 

“Give your sisters all my love,” she said with a steadiness that surprised her.  _So they can love you when I can’t._

The look on Cosima’s face when Delphine reached out to touch her lips made it seem like she knew something was wrong.  Delphine was torn between wanting her saying something and wanting her to just let it go. 

If Cosima said anything, whatever spine Delphine had grown would melt away and she would be a sniveling mess on her knees hugging Cosima’s waist. 

If Cosima let it go, it would all hurt a little less.  For someone.  Delphine wasn’t really sure who. 

Cosima looked like she wanted to, but she didn’t say anything as Delphine walked to the driver’s side of her car and got in.  She didn’t stop her as she started the car.  She didn’t jump in front as Delphine drove away.

She had to pull over twice to sob into her hands.  She wanted to turn back around, to run to Cosima, to be held.  She wanted her to run her fingers through her hair and say that everything would be alright.  She wanted someone else to wipe the makeup stained tears from her cheeks. 

She didn’t want to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, one more chapter and then I'm done with canon. I've had it written forever, so I'll probably post it later tonight when I get back from my thing. I'm never doing multichapter canon again. Ever.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: guns, blood, violence, needles. This is Delphine's last scene in season 3.

Delphine pulled into her usual parking space and turned the engine off.  She sat for a minute collecting herself, her face felt stretched tight from the dried tears and her breathing was just becoming steady from the last time she had to pull over.

When she decided she was ready, she popped the door open and unfolded from her low-riding car, plan running through her head.  She was just stopping at DYAD to steal as much information as she could from the databases to give to Cosima and then she was leaving.  Maybe she could steal a little lab time with the mysterious grub in her purse before trying to outrun whoever was chasing her, if they were even chasing her.  They were most likely waiting for her in her office right now, preparing for the tiny off-chance that she would be as stupid as to return to the DYAD when she had a hit out on her.

She started planning which databases to raid first and which would take time to decrypt.

There was an echo of the click of her heels that bounced around the silent garage.  There was also an echo of shuffling shoes, seeming to come from behind her.

She paused.  They paused.  She continued.  They continued. 

They were definitely coming from behind her.

Her gut clenched and her legs tensed to run.  Apparently they weren’t going to give her the chance to be stupid.

The elevator was at least twenty five meters away.

Her shadow was six meters behind her.

There was no cover.  She was wearing heels.  She hadn’t run in months.

_Merde._

There was no way out.  There was no finagling, bargaining, begging.  There was nobody coming to save her.  Anyone who could be bothered was an hour drive away.  Anyone who actually cared, a several hour flight.  There were no deals she could strike, no power plays to be made.

She turned, put her bag down, met the eyes of her murderer, and accepted her fate.  Again.  As if she hadn’t been doing this the whole way here.  Pretending to try and run.  Pretending to try and survive.

They were wearing a hood and a bandana tied just under their eyes.  The police with access to the security video wouldn’t even be able to identify them.  Standard protocol.  It would have been foolish to think that she’d get some kind of special treatment in an easy to investigate murder.

“What will happen to her?” she asked, knowing she wouldn’t get an answer but still desperately needing to know.  She felt an overwhelming pang of guilt for the pain this would add to the already extensive amount she’d already caused.

The assassin’s only answer was to pull the trigger.

Some distant part of her registered the sound of the shot.

Most of her brain power was focused on the pain of her torso having a hole blown in it.

She cried out.  She slammed into the car behind her, new pain ripped across her back.  Her knees wouldn’t work anymore.  She slid to the ground.  A sharp pain blossomed in her hip.

_Whoever owns this car is going to be so mad._

She glanced up at the cold look in the assassin’s eyes.  They were raising the gun again, ready to finish their job.

Suddenly and with very strong conviction, Delphine was not as ready to die as she had previously thought.

A burst of adrenaline coursed through her body, giving her the energy to remember her gun tucked neatly under her jacket.  She reached in and grabbed it, the handle feeling different in her gloved hand.  She raised it, reveling in the surprised expression now on their face.

She pulled the trigger once, the recoil sending a jolt through her side.

The assassin thumped to the ground, blood dripping from their forehead to the frozen ground.

Delphine briefly laughed to herself.  She, a scientist who was currently bleeding out, had better aim than a trained killer.

The adrenaline faded and the rush of pain from her abdomen made her arm drop with a grunt and the gun clatter to the ground.  Her ragged panting made her everything hurt.

_HOSPITAL!_ Her brain was screaming at her.  Over and over.

She put pressure on the front wound with her right hand and reached out to her purse with her left. 

It was just out of reach.

She cried out in frustration and agony as she toppled herself over onto the ground.  The edges of her vision went black.  She tipped the purse over and her phone skittered in front of her face.  She grabbed it and dialed 911.

It rang once before she heard, “Hello, 911, what’s your emergency?”

Delphine smiled at the iconic question, she’d never thought she’d hear it and yet here she was.

“Hi,” she breathed, “I’ve been… shot and I… need… an ambulance,” her words were spaced out around shallow and pained breaths.

“Okay.  Where are you?  Do you know the address of where you are?”

“No, I’m at my work.  The DYAD Institute.  In the…,” she cried out in pain as her back shifted and settled from the fall.  “In the parking garage.”

“Okay, I’ve dispatched an ambulance and they should be there in a few minutes.  Can you tell me your name?”

She sighed in relief, “Delphine,” she whispered.  Sure, her vision was going dark and she was pretty sure her hand on her abdomen wasn’t doing anything to help, but someone was coming for her.  If there was a body to recover DYAD, Topside, or Neolution would not be the first people there, which was good considering where she’d been attacked.  At the very least, her calling emergency services was just one more wrench she was throwing in their plans.  The security footage would be taken and people would know what had really happened to her.

She heard the operator trying to keep her talking but it was garbled like she was underwater.  Her eyes were so heavy.  She would just close them for a minute.

Her world turned black and silent.  There was nothing to feel except the pain in her front, her hip, and her back.  It was hot, sharp, and it wrapped all the way around her.  It felt like she was being spooned by a person made out of fiery needles.  She wallowed in the agony.  She was probably crying from it, but she couldn’t tell.  Her brain was in an instinctual, primal place where no thoughts would work outside of ‘ouch’ and ‘pressure.’

Eventually after what seemed like a few hours the pain started to fade away.  Delphine noted to herself that it was probably a bad sign, but she would take it over the excruciating fires she was in before.

She laid there, alone on the pavement and bleeding out, and her subconscious mind decided to take over.  She drifted into a concerningly deep sleep as the wheels on the ambulance tires screeched on the level below her.

She dreamt of a warm, soft bed where she was wrapped in her favorite quilt and strong arms.  She felt soft kisses peppering the top of her head and she buried her nose further into the waiting chest.

Cosima’s laugh echoed cheerfully off of nonexistent walls.  She felt fingers thread through her hair to scratch at her scalp.

_It’s okay.  I’ve got you.  You can rest now._

Dream Cosima had a faraway voice that trickled through her ears and lulled her even further into sleep. 

A wailing siren cut through her dream and her eyes shot open, darting around the frantic ambulance.  She slammed her eyes shut again desperately needing the safe confines of her mind. 

She felt a needle in her arm.  Her muscles went slack and she crashed back into unconsciousness, this time dreamless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm free. \\( '-' )/


	16. Chapter 16

Cosima hadn’t expected the call, especially not after the way they had left things.  But here she was, two days later, standing in front of Shay’s door. 

She knocked softly, almost hoping that she wouldn’t answer.

Her hopes were dashed when the door swung open slowly to show Shay’s wary face.

“Hey,” Cosima said.  She was nervous.  She didn’t know what this talk was going to be about and she wasn’t really in the headspace to do it.  But she owed Shay at least this.

“Hey,” Shay replied.  She opened the door fully to admit her… she wasn’t sure what they were to each other anymore.  She would probably have to ask that at some point today.

Cosima slowly passed her and took off her jacket.  She held it in her hand awkwardly and turned to Shay.

Shay gave her a small smile, “You don’t have to be so weird.  We’re just two people having a conversation.”  She took her coat and hung it on the coat rack.

Cosima sighed.  “Like, rationally, I know that.  But I’m still… I don’t know.  I’m not good at this whole secrecy thing and I’m probably not going to be able to tell you much.  But you deserve to know some things.  I guess.”

“Well, thank you.  For making an effort, I mean,” she replied.  “It means a lot that you would try.”

Cosima spread her hands wide.  “Ask away.  I am a partially opened book.”

Shay laughed.  “You can sit down if you want.  You’re still welcome in my home.”

“I think I’ll stand a bit,” when Shay looked at her with furrowed brows she added, “Nervous pacer.”

Shay nodded and sat on the couch, Cosima pacing in front of her.

“So,” Shay thought for a second.  She had a few things that she wanted to touch on but they seemed to be escaping her at the moment.

After a long enough pause, Cosima said, “So.”

“Sorry.  There’s a lot.”

Cosima laughed.  “Yeah, I’m aware.”

Shay shook her head.  Of course she was.  “Okay, then.  Um.  First things first, I guess.  I called you because Delphine came here again, after we talked.”

“What?  When?  What happened?”

“Last night.  She told me that she wouldn’t be in the way anymore and that you could tell me everything if you wanted to.  I don’t know if that makes a difference or not.”  In all honesty, it hurt her feelings a little bit knowing that she was only getting this information because of Delphine’s permission.

“Wait, is that really what she said?”

“Yeah, then she gave me this,” Shay reached into her back pocket and pulled out the business card.  “I tried to figure out what it meant, but I really have no idea.”

Cosima took the card and looked at it pensively.  She ran her thumb over the gold sharpie in the corner.

“Is that some kind of code you have?” Shay prompted.

Cosima shook her head to clear it, “No.  It’s a serial number.  For one of the subjects we work on.”

That was a relief.  Shay had honestly worked herself up into a place where Cosima and Delphine had a written code between them because their experiments with telepathy hadn’t worked.  “Okay.  What’s the significance of it?  Why would she give it to me?”

Cosima started pacing again, “I… I don’t know.  Well, I know the significance of it.  It’s one of the most heavily guarded and secretive projects that we work on.  It’s the only project I work on. I just… Don’t know why she would give it to you.  Honestly, I’m just really worried about her now.”

“Why’s that?”

“She came to see me last night too and she was just… I don’t know… off, somehow.  She was all teary and emotional.”

“Huh, she has feelings.  Who knew?” she had the same impression of Delphine’s visit, but she was really trying to not care.  It was harder than expected.

Cosima just looked at her sadly.  “I know we’re not here to talk about Delphine, but… She’s actually really not terrible.  She had to put up this face for business sake, to keep the suits off of our backs because we were fighting the man, you know?  Were there other people in the room with you when she was here the first time?”

“Yeah.”

“See?  She was probably just acting for their benefit.  She always has, like, three different plans going at once.”

“That strangely doesn’t make me feel better.”

“I know, I know.  It’s just,” Cosima ran her hand over her face.  “I’m tired of people talking shit about her.  They don’t know her.”  Cosima watched her feet as they kept moving and sighed deeply.

Shay watched her.  She noticed how all of the joyful light that was usually all over her face was vacant.  She just looked tired and worried with her eyebrows pulled together and her mouth pulled down in a slight frown.

“Okay.”

Cosima looked confused.

“You’re right.  I don’t know her and you clearly like her.  There’s something bigger happening here than just a jealous ex.  I shouldn’t talk about her like that around you without knowing all the information,” Shay explained.

Cosima nodded.  “Thank you.  And I am still so, _so_ sorry that she did that to you.  I still don’t quite understand all that’s going on.”

“That’s reassuring,” Shay laughed.

“Tell me about it,” Cosima agreed.  “Do you have any more questions?”

“So many.  Like, who is Castor?”

Cosima paused, ready to clam up.  Then she thought of a way to put it, “Castor is a military organization, kind of like our rivals.  There was a mole from their organization in ours and people got hurt because of the information they got.”

Shay nodded, “That’s why my military history came up.”

“Yeah.  And I’m so sorry we dug into your past.  It’s clearly something you didn’t want to tell me about and I violated your trust.  That wasn’t fair of me.”

“Hey, in this world you’re living in it seems like everybody could be a spy.”

“That’s no excuse.  I should have tried talking to you first,” Cosima was adamant that she had been the asshole.  Shay let her have that.

“Since it’s out in the open now, is there anything you want to know about me, my history?”

Cosima smiled.  “Not really.  You’ll tell me when you tell me.  If you want to.  This is about your questions anyway.”

“Okay…” Shay though for a moment, “You know, I’m thirsty, do you want anything to drink?”

“Water would be great,” Cosima said.  Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she rolled her eyes, “Sorry,” she said as she pulled it out.

Shay just smiled and went to the kitchen, filling up two glasses in the tap. 

In the living room she heard Cosima answer her phone, “Hey, Art what’s up?”

There was a silence then a whispered, “What?” a long and dramatic pause then, “Text me the details?  Thanks.”

The second cup finished filling and she turned around to see Cosima holding her phone weakly in her hand in front of her.  Her face was completely neutral and she was staring blankly at nothing.

Shay went in and set the waters on the table, “You okay?”  She turned to face Cosima and accidentally brushed the phone out of her hand.  The clatter snapped Cosima out of her reverie. 

“Um…” her eyes were wild and it looked like her brain was whirring a million miles an hour.

“What’s wrong?” Shay grabbed Cosima’s hands.

“That was my cop friend.  He… Delphine just got out of surgery.  She got shot.”

“Oh my god,” Shay whispered in shock.  Yeah, she was mad at her, but she didn’t want her to _die._

They just stood there for a minute, Shay stroking Cosima’s knuckles unsure of what to do and Cosima thinking very, very hard about something.

“She knew,” Cosima stated simply.

“What did she know?”

“She knew she was gonna die.  She said she’d be out of the way,” she swallowed thickly and two tears slipped out of her eye, “That’s why she came to see me.  She was saying goodbye.”

“But she’s okay.  She was in surgery and she’s out.  She’s going to be alright,” Shay tried to reassure her.

“Why wouldn’t she tell me?  Why didn’t she ask for help?” Cosima thought aloud.  Clearly the reassuring wasn’t working.  Cosima scoffed, “She probably thought I wouldn’t help.  Idiot!”  Cosima angrily wiped the tears off her cheeks.

“Maybe don’t say that to her face,” Shay suggested as she bent over to pick up the fallen phone and put in Cosima’s hand.

Cosima nodded and accepted it.  “I have to go, I’m sorry.”

“I understand completely,” and she did.

“I don’t even know if she has any family.  I- I can’t leave her all alone,” Cosima’s tears picked up.

“Do you want a ride?” Shay offered.

Cosima shook her head, “I’ll just get a cab.”

She walked over to her coat and flung it on, haphazardly slinging her scarf around her neck.  Shay stood by her, hugging her own waist. 

When Cosima was done dressing, she looked into Shay’s eyes, “Sorry.”

Shay wrapped her in a sudden and tight hug.  “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered.

She could feel her entire body shaking under that cute red coat and felt so sorry for this woman whose life was just one crisis after another.  She wanted to hold her forever but as quickly as Cosima reciprocated the hug, she was letting go and ducking out.

She watched her disappear down the hallway from her door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to get to the expansion. Who knew four episodes would take fifteen chapters? Within the next five the seed for polyamory will be sowed, so stay tuned for that if that's what floats your goat.


	17. Chapter 17

Cosima miraculously got a cab the second she made it down to the sidewalk.  She hopped in.  When the driver asked where she was going, she hesitated.

“Lady, do you actually want to go somewhere?”

Cosima sighed.  “Yeah.  Just… keep going this way.”  Eventually she gave him Felix’s address.

In a daze she paid him and walked up to Felix’s door.  She lifted her arm mechanically and knocked.

Felix swooshed the door open, “Cosima!  Didn’t you just leave?  Why are you knocking?”

Cosima’s mouth gaped like a fish, she was trying to talk but no words would come out.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Felix asked as he pulled her into the apartment and slid the door shut.

“Delphine,” Cosima whimpered.

Felix put a show of rolling his eyes, “That bitch again?  What’d she do this time?”

Cosima’s eyes spilled over and her lip started trembling, “She got shot,” she whispered shakily.

Felix blanched.  “What?”

Cosima wanted to answer him, she really did, but she was too far gone.  She started sobbing and shaking, standing there with a little bit of snot dripping out of her nose, arms feebly bent at the elbow until Felix swooped in and hugged her.

Felix shushed and comforted until Cosima was able to speak, although it was garbled by her tears and muffled by his chest, “Art called while I was at Shay’s.  He said one of his coworkers got a case of an attempted homicide and that he recognized the name.  He asked if Delphine Cormier was my Delphine.  I said yes and he gave me her room number at the hospital.  He’s supposed to meet me there.”

Felix disengaged from the hug, “Then why the hell are you here?”  He walked to the bathroom and grabbed a tissue box.

“I- I don’t know, Felix.  I got into the taxi and I just… couldn’t,” she blew her nose and wiped her eyes.  She gestured around her eyes to ask if her eyeliner was okay.

“Yeah, you’re fine.  What do you mean?”

Cosima rubbed her temples.  “Could you just come with me?  I don’t think I can do it by myself.”

“Oh!  Yeah, of course,” Felix said, having realized that Cosima was in need of a buddy and not a buffer.  “In fact I’ll give you a ride.”

Cosima tried to smile.  It came off as a pained grimace.  “Can I steal this?” she asked holding up the tissue box.

“Yeah, I’ve got extra.”

They went downstairs to and climbed into a car that Cosima didn’t know that Felix even owned.  They made it to the hospital in record time, though breakfast was almost lost on the way.

Art was waiting in the front lobby for them.  “Pick a favorite ring.”

“What?” Cosima asked. 

“They won’t let anyone in to see her except for police and family.  I assumed you didn’t want to pretend to be her sister,” he was whispering and standing really close, presumably to hide her hands.

“Why am I choosing a ring?” she asked.

“I said you were her wife.  Pick a ring and put it on your left ring finger.”

Felix grinned, “Congrats!” he said drily.

Art looked at him.  “You can be Cosima’s brother.”

“I already am.”

Cosima rolled her eyes and switched a ring.  Art then turned and led them to an elevator.

A doctor, Delphine’s doctor, met them upstairs and gave them the rundown.  It was a through and through wound that did minimal damage (thankfully) most of which was muscular.  There was a small nick and fracture on her lowest rib in her back and a medium hole through her liver.  During the surgery, which had lasted around eight hours, it had looked like they were going to lose her twice but she pulled through (“You’ve got yourself a real fighter”) and she had lost a lot of blood which they were now replacing.  She had _just_ gotten out of surgery and was still asleep.  They had given her a powerful dose of anesthetic, sedative, and muscle relaxer right near the end of her surgery so it looked like she would be out for at least this day and the beginning of the next. 

The general outlook was good.  She would live.

“You can sit with her if you’d like,” the doctor said to Cosima the business-like tone dropping from his voice.

Cosima just nodded weakly.  Her knees felt like rubber and the room looked like it was slanted.  Felix wrapped an arm around her waist as the doctor led the way to Delphine’s room. 

The doctor opened the door and held the curtain open for them to walk through.

Cosima hesitated.  She really didn’t want to see this.  She really didn’t want this to be real.  She would rather walk into this room and have it be a DYAD or Neolution trick than see what they had done to Delphine.  Her sweet, kind, infuriating Delphine. 

After a reassuring squeeze from Felix Cosima moved into the room and went straight to the bed.  She threaded her fingers through the hair on top of Delphine’s head, which was still straight except at the ends.

She was struggling to keep her sobs under control so she took an enormous breath.  “Hi, sweetheart,” she mustered before a couple little ones escaped.  She bent forward and pressed a kiss to her frigid forehead.

In a panic, she whirled to the doctor still in the corner.  “Why is she so cold?” she demanded.

“She just got out of surgery.  They keep those rooms very cold so that the doctors won’t overheat.  She was under a couple of heated blankets the whole time, it’s just hard to cover her head while there’s tubes and such.  Her body temp looks just fine.”

“Oh,” Cosima breathed, unable to say anything else. 

Art pulled a little plastic chair out of the corner and guided her into it before he ducked out to take a call.  She could hear Felix and the doctor leaving to give her space, but she wasn’t listening.  Her eyes were focused on Delphine’s face, pale and completely devoid of any emotion.  Her ears were trained on her breathing; slow, steady, and aided by the constant stream of air from the cannula. 

Cosima laughed to herself.  _I guess it’s her turn to wear those awful things._

She rested her forehead on Delphine’s shoulder and started to cry.  She couldn’t tell if it was from relief or grief.  On the one hand, Delphine had literally died twice last night but on the other, she was still alive.  On both hands it was mostly her fault and she hadn’t been there for Delphine.

Cosima reached with her other hand to pick up Delphine’s.

She wished she would wake up so holding her hand wouldn’t feel like holding a corpses hand, but she made do.

Cosima spent the rest of the day in that little plastic chair in the ICU watching Delphine breathe.  Unlike most people would, she didn’t get bored.  This was the only thing she could handle today. 

Felix came in and out providing food and comfort but he knew that Cosima didn’t want to talk much.  He just sat with her and texted Sarah what was happening so that when she landed she would have the latest information.  He left after dinner with a promise of a change of clothes for her, thought they were unsure if she would need it.

Just as the sun was starting to set another nurse came in on rounds, like they had been about every four hours.

“Hi, Cosima, right?”

Cosima nodded.

“Are you staying the night?”

“Am I allowed to?” her voice was gravelly from not using it all day except to cry.

“Yeah, for sure!  We usually don’t let spouses stay overnight with other stuff, but with attacks and things like this we understand the want to not leave,” she was incredibly peppy and sweet. 

 _Spouses.  Right._ “Thank you.  I don’t think I’d be able to handle not being here tonight.”

The nurse smiled.  She had a dimple almost identical to the one that Delphine had when she smiled.  “I only ask because we have some recliners and I could roll one in for you to sleep on.”

Cosima nodded, “That would be awesome, thanks.”  She liked this nurse the best.  She talked to her and she had a Delphine-esque smile.

As soon as the nurse left Cosima’s phone vibrated.  She pulled it out.

 **How is she?** From Shay.

**Still unconscious.**

There was a pause, then **you need a place to crash tonight?**

 **No, they have a recliner on wheels for me to use.** She smirked.

**Make sure to put the brakes on :).**

**I will.  Thanks.**   Cosima had no idea what she did to deserve such a caring woman in her life but she was currently thanking her lucky stars that she had.

**Sweet dreams.**

**Good night.**

When Felix returned he brought her pajamas, a couple other shirts, a handful of underwear, and her quilt.  He knew that if she was allowed to stay she wouldn’t want to leave for any reason. 

After he left the chair was brought in.  The nurse placed it about a yard away from the bed.  After she left, Cosima pushed it until it was pushed up right next to Delphine. 

Cosima did a quick change and curled up facing Delphine.  She watched her chest rise and fall until her eyelids slid shut and she drifted off easily, exhausted from the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of sketchy looking research went into the making of this chapter. I can also now treat a bullet wound if I am stranded in the woods. So there's that.


	18. Chapter 18

Pain.  Dull, throbbing, aching pain; up and down her lower back.  It pulled at the edge of her consciousness, just there enough to be a nuisance not bad enough for her to do anything about it. 

A body shifted near her.  She heard the blankets rustle, but didn’t feel the mattress under her shift.  _Mattress?_  

The surface she was on was not anywhere near being the right angle for a mattress.

The body shifted again, this time accompanied by a little grunt.

Cosima sat bolt upright in the chair and whipped her head to see Delphine’s hand stirring on the crisp white sheets.  Her eyebrows were pulled together, but her eyes were still closed.

She put the foot rest back down and turned the chair to face Delphine, all sleep forgotten.  “Hey, sweetie.  You sleep as long as you need to,” she whispered, resuming her position from the day before: one hand on Delphine’s, the other supporting her own head. 

Settling in, she noticed how the morning light was soft when it came through the window at this angle.  It made the pristine bed glow, making Delphine look like a floating angel.  She looked around the room, having neglected it yesterday.  Her eyes had been for Delphine only.

The room was designed to remind one of home, yet it was so impersonal that it could only be a hotel or a hospital room.  The computers and tubes coming out of the wall behind Delphine were the giveaway.  The walls were a warm maroon color.  There were a few gold accents on the outside of picture frames.  Instead of family photos or anything that would put someone at ease, there was one photograph of the ocean and one of the woods.  Not comforting at all.

Delphine stirred again about an hour later, her hand clenching into a loose fist and her head turning slightly away from the window and effectively Cosima. 

Cosima was itching to call someone in here.  Yesterday they had told her to only hit the distress button if Delphine was, well, distressed in waking up.  Otherwise, they only needed to see her after she was fully conscious.

Which was taking forever.  Cosima talked big talk, but she really just wanted to rouse Delphine with a shake to the shoulder.  But that would probably be impossible at this point. 

So Cosima just stroked Delphine’s hair and waited, placing occasional kisses to her shoulder or cheek.

About midafternoon Delphine’s eyes opened a slit, looked at Cosima with consternation on her brow, and slid closed again even after Cosima tried to coax her to stay awake.  If she weren’t so desperate to see Delphine wake up, she would have been a little embarrassed at how over earnest she had been.  Delphine wouldn’t remember that, so it was less embarrassing.

An hour or so after that, Delphine realized that someone was holding her hand and tightened her own.  Cosima burst into tears immediately, squeezing the life out of the sheet in her other hand. 

Delphine only started really waking up around dinner time.  Her head turned back and forth almost every ten minutes (Cosima timed it) and her hands kept clenching and unclenching.  The excitement really picked up when Delphine’s legs started shifting.  Her right leg was a little sluggish, probably because that was the side with the bullet hole in it.  Her left leg was getting wild.  It bent back and forth, sometimes her foot would dangle off the edge and other times her knee would stick straight up.  The way her toes would curl and twitch was obscenely adorable to Cosima for some reason so naturally she took about ten minutes worth of video of it, helping them wiggle by tickling them with the tip of her finger.

Cosima watched all this in wonder.  Delphine was slowly waking up from the dead right in front of her eyes.  It was the best thing she’d watched in her life.

After Felix forced Cosima to eat something via text, everything went still.  Delphine stopped moving around, but her eyes were fluttering around under her lids.  It looked like she was sleeping; normal sleeping not scary coma sleeping.  It was both reassuring and terrifying at the same time.

Finally, _finally_ Delphine’s eyes opened sluggishly.  They remained half closed and unfocused but they stayed like that.  Her blinking was slow, both in rate and in pace, and her gaze shifted lazily around what must have been a small field of vision. 

Delphine was turned slightly away from Cosima, so it must have seemed like she was alone.  Cosima didn’t really know what to do.  Did she let her wake up?  Did she draw attention to herself?  Did she call in a nurse?

Deciding that the first would be a little creepy and the third could wait, she leaned forward, the two days of watching her sleep finally paying off.  “Hey,” she whispered.

Delphine’s eyes moved slowly over to Cosima’s face her head turning with it, recognition flashing in her glazed over eyes.  “No,” Delphine whined, tears starting to fill her eyes.

Cosima panicked, “What’s wrong sweetie?  What’s the matter?”  _Am I not wanted here?_

Delphine sobbed, “You’re dead.” 

“Hey, hey, nobody’s dead.  I’m alive,” she said frantically her hands fluttering over Delphine’s body, not sure where they would comfort or hurt.  “And-and… You’re alive.  Both of are just… _so_ alive right now.”

Delphine made a sound in the back of her throat that made her sound like a confused animal.

Cosima smiled.  “You’re okay.  You made it.  You’re in the hospital recovering from surgery.”

Delphine frowned slowly.  She seemed to be searching through her memory for some kind of explanation.

“They said you were unconscious when they got there.”

Her reassurances did nothing.  Delphine continued to sob halfheartedly and her tears were quickly making a mess on the cannula and her face.

“Oh, sweetie,” she cooed.  She reached over to the bedside table where she had stashed Felix’s tissues.  She got a few out and started blotting.  “It’s okay.  We’re okay.”  She leaned down and kissed Delphine’s forehead. 

Slowly her tears subsided.  Cosima knew it was more from exhaustion than any of her calming techniques.

Delphine wiggled her nose, “Qu'est-ce que c'est?” she asked as she tried to lift her hand.

Cosima snatched it out of the air as it clumsily almost hit her in the face, “You mean in your nose?”

Delphine nodded once.

“It’s just cannula.”

Delphine grimaced, “Démange,” she muttered.

Cosima gaped, “Uhhh.  What?”

Closing her eyes she said, “Itchy.”

Giggling, Cosima said, “Okay.  If you stay awake then I can call the doctor in here and he can get them out.”

“I’m a doctor,” Delphine murmured as her eyes slid closed again.  Apparently her M.D. and Ph.D. weren’t done sleeping yet.

Cosima settled back into her chair.  She dozed off leaning on her hand. 

At about three in the morning, Delphine woke with a gasp.  She didn’t remember the last time she woke up.  She was thrashing and confused.  She fought Cosima’s steady hands off of her arms and tried to sit up.

“Delphine, you have to lie back,” Cosima sated as calmly as she could.  She pressed the distress button.  “No, nonononono,” she muttered as Delphine tried to take her I.V. out, “You have to let someone else do that.”

The nurse burst in, a little too frantically to be a comfort, and saw the situation.  She pulled a needle out from who knows where and put it in the aforementioned I.V.  Whatever was in there apparently made Delphine really sleepy, or at least docile, and every muscle in her body relaxed.

“What was that?” Cosima asked.

“Sedative,” the nurse replied.  “I’ll send a doctor in right away.”

Cosima just nodded.  She sat back down. 

Delphine might not have been fighting anymore, but she was restless.  Her feet were braced on the bed and it looked like she was trying to move, but it just was not working out for her.

“Hey,” Cosima tried to distract her, keep her busy so she wouldn’t try to run.

Delphine’s head lolled over to look at her.  “Hi,” she whispered back.

Just as Cosima was about to ask, the doctor came in and asked, “How are you feeling?”

This seemed to stump Delphine.  “Weird,” she said after much deliberation.

“That’s probably the sedative.  How’s the pain?  Manageable?  Need more meds?”

Delphine shook her head.  “I can’t really feel anything.”

“Yeah, okay.  We’ll get the dosage lowered then.”  He nodded.  He proceeded to ask so many questions and poke and prod under Delphine’s clothes.  Cosima was a little jealous, but only for a split second.  It was to ensure that they got her the best care, after all, but Cosima thought it was cosmic punishment for something and the universe was keeping a lucid Delphine away from her for as long as possible. 

Eventually the doctor left, but only after learning that François Hollande was the current president of France when asking for the current prime minister’s name.

Cosima was nervous now that it was only her in the room, feeling pressure to do… something.  The problem was she didn’t know what.  She gingerly reached forward and took Delphine’s hand, knowing that it was a good thing to do.  _Right?_

Delphine squeezed it tightly, her face drawn into a frown.

“What’s wrong?” Cosima asked before pressing her lips to Delphine’s knuckles.

“It can’t be safe here.  Why have you stayed?”

Cosima grinned, “It’s safe cuz I’m here.”

Delphine snorted, her face splitting into a dopey grin.  The sedatives were making her loopy, it seemed.  “What would you do if someone came in?  Science them?  Cry?  Pout and ask them to leave nicely?”

“All of the above probably,” Cosima smiled.  “Art intercepted your case at the station.  You’re under full protective custody.  Fake identity, fake injury, protective detail, everything.”

Delphine hummed.  “What is my fake identity?  Should someone ask.”

“Delphine Durand.  You’re a doctor, medical doctor no Ph.D., been in Canada for seven years now.  Married for three, you’ve-”

“What?”

Cosima rushed to explain, “They were only letting in family members and Art thought we’d be more believable as married than as siblings.”

“Oh,” she breathed, doubt plaguing her features.  “Okay, makes sense.  But it is still not safe.  You should not be here.”  Her speech was slurred and it took all of the seriousness out of the topic.

“It’s as safe as it can be,” Cosima said stubbornly.

Delphine’s eyes welled up.  She swallowed thickly, “Okay.”

Cosima noted the weakening of Delphine’s hand in her own.  “Are you getting sleepy again?” she asked gently.

Delphine nodded weakly.

“Okay,” Cosima, against all of her instincts, put her hand down, “You get some rest.  We can talk some more when you wake up.”  Her own eyes were beginning to feel heavy as well.  It was four o’clock in the morning, for god’s sake.

Delphine let her eyes slide shut again and almost instantly her breathing evened out.  Cosima was just about to follow her when her bladder decided that she had to attend to it.  Now.

She unfolded her legs and stiffly rose to her feet.  She took two shuffling steps forward when a hand darted out and grabbed her arm.  She turned around to see a fully awake Delphine looking at her with pleading eyes.

“Please don’t leave,” she looked like she was on the verge of panicked sobbing.

“Whoa.  Nobody’s leaving.  See this door?” she reached behind her and tapped the door to the attached bathroom.  “It’s just the bathroom.  There’s no exit.  I’m just peeing,” when Delphine looked unconvinced she continued, “I’ll be back before you can count to one hundred.”

Delphine’s lower lip trembled and her hand didn’t loosen. 

Cosima leaned down and kissed Delphine’s forehead.  “I’m not going anywhere.  I promise,” she whispered.

Delphine let her go, albeit reluctantly.

 When she got back Delphine was very obviously fighting with her heavy eyelids.  “See?”

Delphine just sniffled.

Cosima replaced the blankets over her chest.  “Go to sleep.”

“You’ll stay?” Delphine asked in the tiniest voice Cosima had ever heard.

“As long as you’ll have me,” Cosima said as she leaned forward and kissed her forehead.

It seemed to soothe her, or she ran out of fight.  But she kept jolting awake, or opening her eyes a tiny crack, just as she was about to relax fully. 

“Here,” Cosima took her hand.  “If you get scared or worried that I’m gone, just squeeze my hand.  That way you won’t have to open your eyes to see that I’m still here.”

Cosima received three squeezes before Delphine finally drifted off. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is anyone else missing Shay? The show certainly doesn't care.... ANyway, I'm not dead, this story's not dead. I quit my job last week so my skin is clearing up, my feet don't feel constantly swollen, my crops are healthy, and I have time to write. Finger guns.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for blood/hopitally type stuff at the beginning, mentions of Leekie being gross. This chapter is mostly emo conversation.

The next day started the same way as the last had.  Delphine was still a little loopy, but she was doing much better than earlier.  The cannula were removed, the last bag of the blood transfusion was removed, and her skin was less gray than it had been before. 

The final touch was a change of the thick bandage around her middle.  She was coaxed into a sitting position by two nurses who then used an incredibly chilly pair of scissors to cut off the old bandage.  Without much warning, they then pushed her gown down her shoulders.  With it hanging just above her elbows, they were able to reach around and rewrap the bandage with an added layer for her ribs this time.  Her gown was replaced and she was laying back down in less than a minute.  When the nurses left, she noticed that Cosima had been hovering just an arm’s length away the whole time.

“Are you okay?” Cosima whispered, unsure with what to do with her hands.

Delphine snorted, “I’m wonderful.  Two perfect strangers just… How do you say it?  Feel me up?”

“Hey, action is action,” she shrugged.  She reached forward and interlaced their hands, rubbing her thumb over Delphine’s knuckles in an attempt to comfort.

Delphine’s eyes fluttered closed and she allowed herself to drift.  Before she could actually fall asleep she was brought a nice hospital breakfast of dry pancakes and sugar free syrup.

The nurse put the platter down and asked, “Would you like to try to sit up?”

Delphine nodded once, her face screwed into that of a determined athlete.  She’d sat for more than a minute before in her life, she wasn’t going to let a little bullet wound stop her now.

The nurse pushed the table away and walked over to the buttons on the bed.  She pushed the up button.

Delphine’s face crumpled in pain in reaction to the fire that spread across her body as the bed inclined and put her in a sitting position.

The nurse lifted Delphine by the shoulders and adjusted her, fluffing pillows and folding the blanket around her waist.  She pushed the table with pancakes back and lifted the arm so that the surface was right in front of her.  The nurse left quietly.

Delphine picked up the plastic fork and poked at the top pancake with a look of uncertainty.

“That looks tasty,” Cosima teased.

Delphine shrugged and winced, realizing that she could no longer do that.  “I’m suddenly not very hungry.”

“Aw, come on!  This is Canada, that’s gotta be the best syrup you’ve ever seen!”

Delphine smirked and cut a bit of her pancake off.  She frowned around the bite, but cut off another one.  It was mealy and tasteless, but mostly just sticky.

Cosima excused herself to run to the vending machines to get her own breakfast.  Trail mix and a pop tart.  Nutritious. 

Delphine greeted her with a small smile when she returned, glad to have her back.  She dove back into her breakfast that was entirely unappealing at this point.  She had no appetite and the attempt at eating was only making her nauseous.  She gave up after a pancake and a half.

“Done already?” Cosima asked and popped a peanut into her mouth.

Delphine nodded, resting her head back on the pillows. 

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, just enjoying each other’s company that had been so rare and confrontational lately.  Delphine hated to end it, but she had a few things she needed answered.

“Why are you here Cosima?” she asked the question that had been bothering her since she realized that Cosima by her bedside wasn’t a hallucination.

Cosima took a large gulp of water before answering.  “I’m keeping you company.”

“Why?”

“What?”

“I’m not your girlfriend.  You’ve made that very clear.  Why is Art calling you and why are you staying by my bedside for days at a time?”

“Well, I was with who you think is my girlfriend when Art called and we didn’t really finish picking a label for ourselves.  Or really anything else.”  Cosima shrugged.  “I didn’t know if you had any family to notify.  I didn’t want you to wake up alone and hurt.”  She took a steadying breath, “And if we’re being completely honest, I was scared and I needed to make sure you were okay.”

Delphine shook her head in disbelief.  “Even after everything I’ve done?” Delphine muttered at a volume just under a whisper and turned away from Cosima.

“What do you mean?” she asked, somehow having heard.

Delphine shrugged and looked the other way at anything other than Cosima.  She could hear her putting her wrappers away and leaning in closer, though she didn’t push for an answer.

Delphine was grateful for the lack of prying.  She wasn’t sure where this was coming from or where it was going.  All she knew was that she was in pain, that it hurt a lot, and that she wanted to tell Cosima.

Delphine shrugged again, “You know, I used to have morals before all of this?  Very set in stone, black and white morals.”  She sighed and laid her head back on the pillow, “Until I realized that there were real people behind it all, I was the perfect employee.  I followed every single corporate rule.”

Cosima looked confused, “What do you mean you didn’t realize there were real people?”

“The way the experiment is designed,” Delphine shook her head, “You don’t know anything except clones and serial numbers, if that.  The only way you know anything is if you work directly with the clones on the clone project.  And there it’s still need to know.”

“Oh,” Cosima breathed.  “I’d known that the project was secretive and had layers of protection.  I’d just never _thought_ about it, you know?  I was always in the middle, getting torqued around.”

Guilt flashed in Delphine’s belly.  _How did I overlook the human people behind this?_ She pushed past the self-doubt of how she had ever gotten her degree and said, “Yeah.  I worked on the disease long before I was told about clones.  Even then, that was just because I pestered Leekie.”

Cosima smiled.  “Why were you pestering Leekie?”  She knew Cosima was picturing it; Delphine following him around with her notebook open, taking notes, asking prepared questions.

“He wanted me to pick up everything, again, and move to Minnesota to make friends with a random biology student.  I wasn’t about to do that with no answers.  And he liked me, so I guess that gave me special clearance.” 

‘Liked’ was not exactly the word that fit the situation but Leekie’s near pedophilia and terrible habits as a boss were not up for discussion right now.   In all honesty, Delphine never wanted it to come up but she knew it would eventually.

“Why did this give you gray morals?  I mean, not every experiment can be completely ethical.  DYAD and Topside still exist to protect us.  It’s just that Neolution is now… running them?  I don’t even know.”  Cosima shook her head in bewilderment.

“Because you’re… you’re a person.  And you have the right to know your biology.  They should never have kept the subjects in the dark.  It’s not fair.”  Delphine frowned. 

Cosima smiled, “So, you became a humanitarian?” humor clear in her smirk.

“I guess I already was.”  Delphine heaved a stressed sigh.

A few minutes passed in silence, Delphine stared at the ceiling and Cosima watched her. 

“I never wanted any of this.”

“I know, you weren’t supposed-”

“No I mean, I didn’t want to as a rule.  Not that it wasn’t my purpose,” she said, her voice in a monotone.

“What does that even mean?”

Delphine fidgeted with the blanket.  “I didn’t want to… _be_ in a relationship.  Or fall in love.  Get married, have kids.”  She shrugged.  “I just wanted to do science and all of that was a distraction.”

Cosima giggled, thinking that this was a joke, “Woah, when did we get married and have kids?  Did I miss something?” she asked.

Delphine continued to stare resolutely at the ceiling.  “No.”  She hated talking about this.  Every time she brought it up with anyone she got a lecture on what meeting ‘the right man’ would do to her life plans, her goals.

Quickly realizing that she was not kidding, Cosima laid her hand on Delphine’s forearm.  “Why didn’t you?”

Delphine shrugged, “Love is stupid and illogical.  All it does is cause pain and make your brain float in so many hormones that it is hard to make decisions.”

Cosima flinched and looked down.  “So… you’re upset about,” she sighed, “about us and what we are-were?”

Delphine whipped her head around, “No!  That’s not what I meant.  This is arguably the best thing I’ve ever done,” Delphine scratched behind her ear, “It’s still painful, illogical, and it makes me stupid.”

“But?” Cosima supplied after Delphine trailed off.

She smiled the tiniest little smile, “But I love you.  I love that I love you.  I would do anything for you.”  Sometimes ‘the right man’ seemed like Cosima. 

Cosima let out a short laugh, “Clearly.”

Delphine deflated against her pillows, shame etched on her face and making her heart sink.

“Hey,” she called her back, “I love you too.”

“You love me?” Delphine asked her disbelief plain on her face.

“Yeah.  I love you so much,” Cosima said, her voice delicate and gentle.

Delphine avoided all eye contact and started, “Even,” her left shoulder rose uncomfortably high as she picked at the blanket, “Even after everything I did?” she asked audibly this time.  Her bottom lip started trembling.

“Of course.  I don’t agree with everything and we still have to talk about a lot of it.  But, yeah.  I still love you.”  Cosima moved closer, “I never stopped.”

Delphine ducked her head and grinned.  “You love me,” she whispered gleefully, a joy making her heart soar that she hadn’t felt in a long time.

Cosima smiled.  She reached her hand out tentatively.  Delphine instantly intertwined their fingers.

The world came to a screeching halt and where her heart had soared it was now a rock that was slowly sinking to the soles of her feet.  “What about Shay?”

Cosima nodded her eyes widening.  “What about Shay,” she said in agreement.

Delphine searched her face, which was pulled down in a frown.  “You have feelings for her.”

Cosima glanced quickly up and then back down to her lap looking like a guilty child caught stealing cookies.

“Why won’t you go talk to her?” the words tasting like bile on her tongue.

Cosima shrugged, surprised.  “I’m life-threatening.  I mean I knew my pussy was deadly, but…” she joked halfheartedly.

“You’re not life-threatening,” Delphine said.  Infuriatingly stubborn, frustratingly impulsive, and quick-tempered but never deadly.

“I know, I know.  It’s the bullshit people who won’t leave me alone, but… I still have to be careful about who I bring into the fold.  I wasn’t with her and she…”  Cosima sighed.  “I can only have one mortally wounded girlfriend in a lifetime.”

“Technically-”

“I know that I’m actually single.  Just… That’s what I’m aiming for-what I think of you as- so until you send me away, that’s what I’m calling you,” Cosima placated.

“You should still talk to her.”  _That really is a bad taste._

“She’s better off without it.  It’s better to wonder and be safe than to know and be in danger.”

Delphine furrowed her brows.  “But…  You have feelings for her.”  Her stomach sank, not happy with what was happening.

“Yeah.  And it sucks and I feel like an asshole.  What’s your point?” she responded shortly.

Delphine flinched at her tone but trucked on anyway.  “If I’ve learned anything, it’s that feelings are something you have to talk about when they involve someone else.”

 “I know.  But… this feels different.  It’s like it’s a bomb that I need to diffuse but poking it with a stick will for sure make it blow up while letting it sit might take care of it.”

Delphine nodded.  “I’m sorry,” she muttered.

“Why?  You didn’t not answer her questions.”

“You like her and she likes you.  I,” she shrugged, “I ruined that.  I came in between what you had.”  Delphine’s eyes started to water.

“Hey,” Cosima whispered.  “You’ve wedged yourself into my heart.  You were a present part of our relationship from the beginning.  You didn’t ruin anything.  The clone bullshit did.”

“But I brought it to her.  You could’ve-”

“Kept lying to her?” Cosima interrupted.  “Honestly, you did me a favor.  You made me be honest and you made me make the choice to bring her in or not.”

Delphine nodded.  “I need-” emotion clogged her throat.  She cleared it and tried again, “I need you to please let go of my hand.”

“What?  Why?” Cosima said, her tone slipping towards confrontational.

Delphine’s lips started trembling and tears streamed down her cheeks.  “I can’t.”

Seeing the tortured expression on her face, Cosima slowly retracted her hand.  “Can’t what?”

Delphine took a shaky gasp, “Make you choose.  I can’t have you like… like that.  Hold you, like that.  If you decide to leave,” she wiped tears of her cheeks roughly, “If I… If you don’t choose me it would hurt less.”  It wasn’t entirely true.  Nothing would make it hurt less, it was more to start a clean break.

“Delphine, I think my choice is pretty clear,” Cosima whispered, tears starting in her eyes.

“No, your talk with her was interrupted.  You’ve had so many talks with me.  It’s not fair, you can’t make a decision without all the information and all the apologies made.”

“This isn’t like buying a car, Delphine!  I’m not weighing pros and cons and picking the most logical relationship!” Cosima took a calming breath, “There’s a little more to it than that.”

Delphine just sat there, not trusting herself to speak, tears running down her cheeks and dropping onto her chest.

“You still need me to talk to her, don’t you?” Cosima asked incredulously.

Delphine shrugged again.  “It’s your choice, Cosima.  I… I need you to be sure,” her voice broke on nearly every syllable.

Cosima sighed and pulled her phone out of her pocket.  She got up and walked to the door, not before squeezing Delphine’s shoulder.  She went to the sitting area to call Shay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I could really use a beta. If anyone is even interested in this story anymore please hit me up either here or at my inbox on tumblr (ejawesomesauce). I just keep getting stuck. This was originally 4 chapters but I couldn't make any of them work individually so I smushed them together and I really don't know how it turned out. Another incentive of helping me out is that I have a couple other coshayphine things planned that I have no idea how to make work so you could see some of that.  
> Thanks for reading even if you're not interested.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy holidays! Have some angst! Special shout out to aneventhorizon for helping me with this chapter months ago. I finally got that awkward part fixed, thanks!!  
> If you guys like the ship and want more fic check me out on tumblr at [coshayphinelove](http://coshayphinelove.tumblr.com). I have way more content and love to talk about stuff. ANyhoo. Enjoy.

Cosima blinked back tears of rejection as she made her way to a seating area.  She plopped down into one of the comfy chairs and rubbed her temples. 

On one hand, she understood where Delphine was coming from.  She was obviously hurting and if Cosima left it would probably be even more pain. 

What Cosima didn’t understand was why Delphine was this torn up about it.  She was the one who ended it.  She was the one who had complicated everything. 

When would it be Cosima’s turn to just decide what was going to happen next?

She shook the totally and completely unhelpful thought out of her head.  She opened her contacts and pressed on Shay’s name.

It rang quite a few times before Shay picked up, “Hey, Cosima.  What’s up?”

“Shit, you’re at work aren’t you?” she suddenly realized that not everybody in the world was having an emergent situation.  Some people still went to work on a weekday.

“Yeah, but you caught me in between clients.”

“Sorry.  Umm,” she hesitated, “I don’t really know how to say this.”

Shay laughed softly, “That’s not foreboding at all.”  When Cosima didn’t say anything she supplied, “Usually with stuff like that it’s best to just say it outright.”

Cosima smiled, “Okay.  I won’t sugarcoat it.”  She sighed.  “Delphine woke up pretty lucid this morning and we were talking and she feels bad that her getting shot interrupted our conversation.”

“Okay.”

“Yeah,” Cosima breathed.  “Anyway, she wants us to finish talking or something.”

“So _you_ don’t want to talk?” Shay asked with a frown very apparent in her voice.

Cosima gasped, “Shit.  I just realized how that sounded.  Yes, I would love to talk to you some more.  I just wouldn’t have picked right now or any time in the next few weeks to do it, you know?  Kind of got more deathly things to worry about.”

“Gotchya,” Shay muttered, seeming to be unconvinced.

“Sorry.  I’ll just, uh, be hanging up now.  Just forget-”

“No wait.  Cosima,” Shay sighed.  “Tomorrow night.  I’m not busy.  Come over and we can finish.”

“Are you sure?”

She could her the smile in her voice when Shay responded, “I wouldn’t have invited you over if I weren’t.”

“Okay.  Thank you.  I’ll see you tomorrow,” Cosima sighed in relief.

“Bye.”  They both hung up at the same time.  Cosima reclined in the chair and closed her eyes. 

Fuck.

She heaved herself to her feet and walked back to the room where Delphine was attempting to reach the tissue box, but she couldn’t quite get her fingers on the corner. 

“Here,” Cosima whispered and handed it to her.

Delphine took some out.  “Thank you,” she muttered and wiped her cheeks clean.  She blew her nose quietly.

Cosima sat down heavily, making the chair hiss with the air that was forced out.  “Shay’s busy until tomorrow night, so you’re stuck with me until then.”

Delphine nodded slightly and fiddled with her tissues.

They both drew a steadying breath and began,

“I’m-”

“What are-?”

They both laughed lightly.  Cosima gestured for Delphine to go first.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to make you do something if you didn’t want to.”

Cosima shook her head and placated with her hands.  “In a way, it’s probably a good thing to do.  I don’t feel this way now, but I would probably feel a little… I don’t know, unfinished.  I would want closure.  I can understand why you want that to happen now rather than later.”

Delphine nodded, her face falling.  “I just need to make sure you don’t feel forced.”

“What does that mean?” she asked, face pulled down in confusion.

Delphine just shook her head.  She pulled the blankets farther up her body.  “What were you going to say?”

“What are you going to do?  Like, after the hospital and you’re recovered?”

Delphine laughed shortly at that.  “I hadn’t really thought about anything after DYAD since…” she blew air through her lips thinking back, “the second month I worked there.”

“The job was that secure?”

“No, I always thought something like this would happen.”

“You’d get shot for helping human clones?”

Delphine laughed.  “I knew that I would be stuck there when knowing where the bathrooms are was reason for a signing a nondisclosure agreement.”

“Wow.”

“I’m exaggerating,” Delphine smiled sadly, “But I did see a lot of people come in and not very many leave.  Or if they did it was kind of mysterious and sudden.”

“Jeez.”

They sat lost in their own thoughts for quite some time. 

Cosima was pulled from hers by Delphine tugging on the edge of the blanket, trying to get it up to her shoulders.

“Are you cold?” Cosima asked, snapped back to reality and already back into overprotective hovering mode.

“Yeah.  My arms have gooseflesh.”

Cosima smiled.  It was nice to just _be_ with Delphine.  She’d forgotten that she was a freeze baby. 

To help out, Cosima untucked the bottom of the blanket from the end of the mattress.  When Delphine got it as high as she wanted, she slipped the rest back under.

“Do you want a sweater?”

Delphine looked like she was about to say yes when her face fell to an expression of abject misery.  “I… I don’t have any...”

“Right, right.  The suitcase thing was only me.”  She reached behind her and grabbed her quilt.  “Wanna borrow this until we figure something else out?”

Delphine nodded.

“Okay, can you lean forward a little bit?”

Delphine braced her hands on the mattress and pulled her shoulders forward, grunting either from pain or effort.  Probably both.

Cosima quickly placed the blanket, “Okay,” she signaled and Delphine leaned back.  Cosima took the edges and brought them around to Delphine’s hands.  “Better?”

Delphine nodded, pulling her arms out of Cosima hands gently.  Cosima hadn’t even realized that she’d left them there.  She settled back into her chair.

Delphine sniffled.  Then her lips started trembling.  She put a hand over her mouth, trying to stifle the sudden and overwhelming emotion.  It didn’t work and a whimper escaped.

Cosima watched all of this perched on the edge of her chair, hands outstretched but not touching.  She didn’t want to go over any boundaries, but she wanted to comfort.  “Delphine, what’s wrong?”

She shook her head and huge tears spilled down her cheeks.

Cosima’s face crumpled, her chest aching sympathetically.  She hated to see anyone cry, especially Delphine.  “Please just talk to me,” she whispered.

Delphine took a humongous shuddering breath that stopped most of her body’s negative reactions to her emotion, “They took everything from me.”

“What do you mean by that?” Cosima asked gently.

Delphine scoffed, her face contorted with anger, “What else could it mean?  I don’t have a job.  My home isn’t safe anymore.  I probably can’t leave the country, even if I made to the airport alive.  I don’t even have,” her voice broke, “a stupid sweater when I need one!”

Cosima reached out, but caught herself before she squeezed her arm.  “We’ll figure that stuff out.  We’ll get you a place to stay.  Art will figure out a passport for you if you need one.  It’s gonna be okay.”

Delphine sobbed.  “They took you too.”  She tried to wipe her face but what tears she got were replaced twice over before she even put her hand back down.

Cosima was stunned into silence.

“I didn’t want to… I wanted to stay with you, but it-”

“You didn’t want to break up with me?” Cosima interrupted without meaning to interrupt.  This was just brand new information.

“No!  Of course I didn’t!  It wasn’t safe.”

“How was it not safe?”

“Why does it matter to you now?” Delphine spat.

“What?” she asked, surprised and mildly offended.

“It didn’t matter to you when it was happening.  You didn’t care to ask when I was getting threatened every day.  You didn’t mind when you asked me to take care of things.  You only cared when it didn’t go according to _your_ plan and then you just got angry with me!”

“How was I supposed to know?”

“I tried calling you.  You wouldn’t even pick up your phone!  You left me alone!  I didn’t know what to do and I did _awful_ things.  I can’t stand the things I did.”  Delphine sobbed a few times, “But I had to keep you safe.  And you wouldn’t tell me what was happening.  Nobody would.  So I just did what I had to.”

Cosima was about to retort something she’d probably greatly regret but decided against it.  She just pressed her hands into her face.  “I would’ve helped,” she uncovered her face.  “If I would’ve known, I would’ve been there for you.  No matter what happens, I’ll-”

“Did you ever even love me?”

“Of course,” she answered instantly.  “Delphine, we just did this.”

Delphine choked on her words, “I don’t believe you.”  Cosima could her the heartbreak in her tone.

“Why not?  Because I bet I can prove you wrong,” she challenged playfully.  She was quickly realizing that Delphine was not in a logical state of mind, borderline panic attack, and that she would have to calm her down before they could talk about anything in depth.

Delphine took a shaky breath, trying to steady herself.  “You wouldn’t pick up your phone.”

“I was hurt and being petty.  Next.”

“You have a girlfriend.”

“Uh. I…” Cosima stammered.  She’d expected it, but still wasn’t prepared.

Delphine sniffed.  “It wasn’t even a month before you were with her.”

It had to have been at least a month.  Cosima was sure.  Almost.  “Delphine, that’s not how-”

“Cosima, you wouldn’t even look at me a few weeks ago.  Would we even be talking if I hadn’t gotten hurt?”

This one Cosima knew.  “Yes.  I knew that there was more to all of this when we, uh, talked,” yeah that was the word for yelling at each other and then making out, “I would’ve been better.”

Delphine shook her head.  “No you wouldn’t.  You’re only here because I’m hurt,” she started sobbing in earnest.

_Please don’t leave,_ echoed through Cosima’s head.  Delphine was far from okay.  She was scared and hurt, in more than one way.  Cosima had to say something very convincing and very genuine, and right now. 

“Yeah, that’s what brought me here,” she said, that having been the first thing that came to mind. 

Delphine started crying harder. 

Cosima rushed to finish her thought, “But I promise I’m not going anywhere.  No matter what happens tomorrow with Shay or two weeks from now when something else shitty happens.  I’m going to stay right here with you.  I’ll make sure that you’re safe,” Cosima imparted as much sincerity as her body could muster into her little speech.

Delphine kept crying and covered her face with her hands.  Cosima had never seen her like this.  She was absolutely distraught.  Even if she was allowed to touch her, Cosima didn’t think it would help.

“I’m right here.  It’s gonna be okay,” she muttered.

Delphine took a huge breath and uncovered her face.  She was shaking and her jaw was trembling but she was doing her best to swallow the gut-wrenching sobs that had been coming out of her earlier.  She looked at Cosima’s hands resting of the mattress beside her.

“It must have been pretty lonely, doing all that by yourself,” Cosima stated gently.  She didn’t know why she was bringing it up now. She’d just stopped crying.

Delphine nodded weakly.  She reached out with her shaking hand and slid it under Cosima’s.  Cosima covered it with both of hers, squeezing it to try and reassure her.

“I’m just so tired,” Delphine whispered.

That she could handle.  “Okay, we’ll get you laying down and then you can rest for as long as you want.” 

“Okay.”

Cosima sprang into action.  She went and got a nurse.  The nurse helped Delphine lay down while Cosima pushed the button to recline the bed.  Once Delphine was settled and the quilt was laid over her chest, Cosima stood awkwardly not sure what to do.

“I haven’t been able to sleep very well since…. Since we….” Delphine said into the awkward silence.

Cosima nodded. 

“I guess I just got used to sleeping next to you,” Delphine laughed sadly at herself.  “I never minded sleeping alone before.”

Cosima’s heart shattered, like it had many times since she’d arrived at the hospital.  She wanted to make it better.  She wished she could make the hurt stop, that she could undo it, but the only thing she could do was be better.  She resolved to herself to be the best person she could for Delphine.  It didn’t matter what happened between them.  She was always going to be there for her, no matter what she needed.

 “Okay, well.  I’ll just lay here,” Cosima tapped the edge of the bed, “We can snuggle, totally platonically.”

Delphine nodded her consent and Cosima gingerly crawled into the bed.  She dropped her shoes to the floor with a clatter.

A shiver ran through Delphine’s body when Cosima pressed up against her side.  It must have been a long time since anyone had held her. 

Cosima placed her hand flat in the middle of Delphine’s chest because she really wasn’t sure where Delphine was hurt.  She figured anything below her chest was probably tender.

Delphine took a sharp breath in and quickly turned her head away.

“Sorry,” Cosima muttered and started to take her hand back.

Delphine’s hand flashed up and grabbed her wrist, holding her hand right where it was.

“My teeth are tingling,” Delphine whimpered.  From all the crying, no doubt.

“It’ll pass.  It’ll be okay.”  Cosima stroked her thumb over Delphine’s collar bone until she quieted.


End file.
